A Toadlicker, a Goth, and a Momma's Boy
by Hogwarts Hos
Summary: (Complete) The story of the three original death eaters. Horrors in Banana Republic, lack of donuts, and the quest for babes are just a few of the mishaps Tom, Severus, and Lucius get into.
1. The Sorting

Yeah, yeah, we know Rubeus, Minerva and Tom didn't go to Hogwarts at the same time the rest of the old skoolers did. But guess who gives a damn? [Versailles cracks her whip and Magdalena rubs her knuckles menacingly,] most certainly not us. Hope the story's as fun to read as it was to write.  
  
  
Chapter One - The Sorting  
  
Severus Snape lugged his baggage through the barrier that was Platform 9 3/4. He was definitely a people person and he couldn't wait until he got on the train. He had been looking forward to this day for years, and finally he could be with more of his kind.  
  
He climbed into a compartment and set his luggage down. He glanced around the little room, observing witches and wizards of all kinds happily talking or playing games. Across from where he was sitting stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.  
  
She was like a fallen angel. He fell victim her beauty the second she looked in his direction. An unearthly glow seemed to surround this portrait of loveliness, and though his feet refused to move, his heart was determined to approach her.  
  
Severus puffed out his chest, held his head high, and walked with an air of confidence toward her. She was talking to three boys. One had long black hair that was tied back. Another had shaggy brownish hair and was joking around with the first. The third boy seemed to be engulfed in a deep conversation with the girl of Severus' dreams.  
  
"Hullo," he said as a wide smile found its way onto his face.  
  
The two turned around. "Hey," the boy said. "Looks like you're going to Hogwarts, eh?" Severus nodded. "I'm James, them back there are Sirius and Remus," the two guys made a goofy smile and resumed their conversation. "And this here is Lily."  
  
Lily... the name was so euphonious, it made his heart beat a little faster and his head swoon in a sea of pleasant thoughts.  
  
Lily smiled. "Hi," she said delightfully. "And what's your name?" she blinked inquisitively.  
  
Severus laid a hand on his chest. "I," he began, "am 'theverus 'thnape."  
  
Remus and Sirius looked at each other for an instant and then burst out laughing.  
  
"I'm 'theverus 'thnape!" Sirius jested, bowing to Remus.  
  
"No, my fwiend, I am 'theverus 'thnape!" he replied, butchering Severus' speech even worse than the other had.  
  
Severus crossed his arms. "That's not funny, guyths!" he said, turning his back to the pair.   
  
The two danced around like little girls.  
  
"You're not funny!"  
  
"No, you're not funny!"  
  
"That was great, man!"   
  
"We're too cool, dude."  
  
*Thump*   
  
The two bumped chests and kept laughing.  
  
James glanced over at Severus from under his glasses. "Ignore them, they're just stupid prats."  
  
"Yeah," Lily agreed, putting a hand on Severus' shoulder that nearly made him melt to pieces. "You'll get used to them."  
  
Just then, a lean blonde boy walked in. He had a sweater tied around his neck on the outside of his robes. He looked very giddy and walked over to the little group.  
  
"Oh great," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Here comes Lucius."  
  
"Hey guys!" Lucius said, smiling.  
  
"Aww, doesn't Lucius Malfoy miss his mumsy?"  
  
Lucius' lip quivered. "Leave me alone, Sirius." He made a pouty face.  
  
"Yeah, Sirius," Remus mocked. "Leave him alone, he's looking for his widdle bwankie."  
  
"Maybe 'theverus can help him!"  
  
The two began laughing idiotically again.   
  
"James! James!"  
  
James, Lily, Lucius, and Severus turned and saw a stumpy, round little kid came running in, brandishing a rectangular box.  
  
"Oh, hey Peter," James said, trying to mask his feeling of irritation. "This is Severus. You already know Lily and the boys."  
  
"Mummy made some cookies, James!" Peter smiled, opening the box and revealing a dozen homemade goodies. "I thought maybe you'd like some."  
  
"Jamsey," Sirius mused, hanging from a pole like an acrobat. "Can we knit sockies and write letters to our mums later too?"  
  
Peter huffed. "Shut your mouth, Sirius," he ordered. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at a--"  
  
The sliding doors that separated the compartments of the train flew open wildly. A boy with frayed robes lurched in. He was twitching a little and kept mumbling incoherent things. His gaze was wildly shifting and his pupils kept changing sizes. Everyone was staring at him.  
  
"Look!" Lucius exclaimed, excited yet again. "It's Tom! Hey Tom!"  
  
Lucius skipped over happily, dragging Severus with him. The boy was twitching furiously now, and his eyes were changing colors.   
  
"Tom, this is Severus!" Tom didn't seem to be interested at all, but he was nervously looking under the seat for something. "You'll just love Tom, Severus. He's just the neatest guy around!"   
  
Severus raised an eyebrow. "Ith he... alwayths like thith?"  
  
Lucius giggled. "Tom's a real jokey fellow. He likes to make faces and funny sounds. We lived on the same street." He then smiled broadly, very proud of this.  
  
"He theems--" Severus began as Tom's stomach gurgled loudly. "--dithturbed."  
  
Lucius giggled again. "Yeah, he does!"  
  
At this moment, James created a scene by choking madly on something.  
  
"Oh dear!" Peter said frantically. "I told mummy not to put in any pecans!"  
  
"What the hell, Peter?!" Remus yelled, smacking the now-hunched-over James on the back. "You trying to kill him?!"  
  
Peter sniveled. "I was just... I mean..."  
  
"Get lost Pettigrew!" Sirius commanded as James coughed up the nut and sent it hurtling, smacking Lucius right on the forehead.  
  
"Ack!" Lucius screamed, jumping up and down. He finally took out his compact with his initials engraved on the front and gazed desperately. "Yay! I haven't bruised."  
  
Tom was biting the seat angrily and Peter was sitting in front of them, writing and mumbling under his breath.  
  
"Dear mommy, loved the cookies, but James didn't," he looked around and finished hastily. "Don't send any more."  
  
Suddenly, the train screeched to a halt. Everyone cheered and hooted as they quickly headed out of the train. Over the sea of heads, Severus could make out a man with silvery white hair that was unmistakeably the headmaster. Beside him was a woman with floppy blond hair who was looking around excitedly. The great mass of black robes moved to the lake and filed into the boats, first years going ahead of everyone. Severus got in a boat with Tom, James and Lily. The Sorting was approaching soon and every eleven year old was talking about it.   
  
"I wanna be in Ravenclaw!" one girl in the boat behind them said.  
  
"I'm gonna be a Gryffindor," James said with pride.  
  
"Me too," Lily said, smiling at James.   
  
"I wanna be in Slytherin!" Lucius said, clapping his hands together.  
  
The kids in the boat with him looked at each other and shoved Lucius into the lake. His shouts were heard, but ignored.  
  
Tom barked and shoved his face into the water, sending up a mass of bubbles.  
  
"What's with that guy?" someone asked in the boat ahead of them.  
  
"I hear he's pretty heaped up on the diggle doo, if you know what I'm saying," another remarked.  
  
When the group arrived, they followed the other students who were madly rushing into the castle. Everyone was talking at once, but when they arrived at the Great Hall, everyone went silent.  
  
The dining area was a sight, indeed. The ceiling wasn't much like a ceiling, but rather a sky inside the castle. Everyone "oohed" and "ahhed" at the fantastic display of house colors put up around their respective tables. In the center of the Great Hall sat a little tattered hat on a wooden stool.  
  
When all the first years had arrived and the older kids were seated, the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, stood up, and as he did, quiet descended upon the room. He looked around the silent room, his spectacles catching the light and gleaming with an air of friendliness. He smiled.  
  
"Let the Sorting begin!"  
  
The little hat perked up and began singing out of a stitch around its brim. It introduced itself as the Sorting Hat and went on to tell of its history, business, etc.  
  
"Fabulous, isn't it?" Lucius said, sneaking up on Severus. "I hope we're all in the same house together! It would be so much fun!"  
  
"Quiet," Severus squeaked, wanting Lucius to shut up so he didn't have to listen to his voice rather than pay attention to the Sorting Hat's song.   
  
The hat finished and everybody clapped. The first students were called and everyone else waited in anxiousness.  
  
"Potter, James!"  
  
James skipped up happily.  
  
"GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
"Alright!" he shouted happily, high-fiving all of those who were sitting at his house table.  
  
A few more students followed. As of now, Remus, Sirius, Peter, and Lily were all in Gryffindor. When Lucius and Tom were sorted into Slytherin, the Gryffindors hissed made nasty faces as they walked to their table.  
  
"Snape, Severus!"  
  
Severus walked up to the stool and shoved the dopey hat on his head, ignoring the taunts from Sirius and Remus.  
  
"SLYTHERIN!"  
  
His heart sank. Now he couldn't be with Lily...  
  
"Whoo, look!" Remus shouted "'Thnapey's a 'thnake!"  
  
The first years at the table made the same remarks to him as they had to the others. Even James was taunting him nastily. Severus sulked to his table, but then caught sight of Lily. She was shrugging and she mouthed a "forget them" to him. He smiled back at her and was instantly in a better mood.  
  



	2. Fun in the Forest

Chapter Two - Fun in the Forest  
  
  
Severus glanced around the room of his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. The room was crowded and paper airplanes and magical projectiles flew around the room. Narrowly avoiding an inkwell headed in his direction, he caught sight of an empty desk. He began approaching it, but stopped in his tracks noticing who was also at the table. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black looked around innocently as if they didn't notice Severus in the room. He clutched his things closer to him and deliberated.   
  
He arrived at a decision and sat down carefully. Maybe, he thought, maybe they'll just leave me alone. Severus unlocked his journal with utmost care. But the second he picked up his quill...  
  
"Hullo 'theverus--"  
  
The remark was so quick, and nearly unnoticeably, but it drove Severus to the brink of insanity. These two hadn't stopped teasing him through the seven years he went to school with them. James and Peter had joined in their little game as well, but Lily never did. That always gave him a sense of peace.  
  
"Shut up!" he wailed. Through the years and the help of Lily, he had overcome his speech impediment, but every so often...  
  
"Just count to ten, Severus!" Lucius coached.   
  
"Thtop it!--"  
  
Remus and Sirius doubled up in laughter.  
  
"Punch 'em!" a voice yelled from across the room.  
  
"I've had about enough of your shenanigans, Black!" Severus grabbed Sirius by the collar of his robes, lifting him slightly off the floor. Sirius looked a little nervous. Severus threw him down a flourished his wand and directed it at Black's forehead. He was about to put the most horrible curse he could think of on Sirius when...  
  
"Boys!" Proffessor Empiress flounced in quickly from the corridor. She was the DADA teacher as well as the head of Gryffindor house. She had long blond hair down to her waist and an annoying squeaky voice.  
  
"Severus!" she scolded. "Don't you even think of harming a hair on that boys head!"  
  
He looked menacingly into Sirius' eyes and lowered his wand. Empiress always had taken a liking to James and the boys and was horribly unfair to the Slytherins.  
  
"Ten points from Slytherin!" she shouted as she approached the head of the class, ignoring the sighs from the Slytherins. "I hope you're okay, Mr. Black," she said before she sent her chalk to writing notes on the great blackboard.  
  
No one ever paid attention in that class. It seemed so outdated and there were virtually no "dark" wizards or witches out there. Everyone thought it was poppycock, so they all whispered and passed notes. Severus began scribbling in his journal.  
  
Prof. Empiress stopped for a brief moment in her lessons, and Tom Riddle stood up on his desk.  
  
"THE CANADIUMS IS A COMIN'!" he shouted, angrily ripping off his shoes. He got down on all fours and jumped onto the tables leading out the window. He leaped out muttering something along the lines of "why are my pants on fire?"  
  
The lesson continued quickly. Lucius tapped his fingers on the table, looking around with a forced smile on his face, for he was quite embarrassed. But by now, everyone had become accustomed to Tom's outbursts. Some thought he had ADD or tourettes, or something.   
  
"I heard he's really doped up on the guffaw, if you know what I'm saying," on student said to another.  
  
Severus, Lucius, and Tom always hung out together. They made for an odd group, but they got along okay. Not many people looked kindly on people from the Slytherin house, they always seemed stuck up and acted like they were "above" everyone. It was sickening how the other houses stuck together.   
  
The three tried to keep a low profile, but Tom always made that difficult for them. He would be found in the oddest places or break into ramblings in the middle of class. One time, Tom was found sleeping in a cauldron in the dungeons. He kept hiccupping and changed into something different each time. Everyone just shrugged it off with an "oh Tom" or two. They all thought he was a little kooky, except Minerva McGonagall.  
  
Minerva was a sweet girl, but she was a little untidy. Her hair was always falling out of her bun, she always had some stain on her robes, and she would trip over things all the time. She was very studious and was exceptional at arithmancy, transfiguring, and--of course--doodling Tom Riddle's name on all her notebooks. The end of the year ball was coming up and it was just for the graduating class. It was time for her to come out of her shell and ask Tom to go with her.   
  
"Whatcha writin', 'theverus?" Sirius asked, leaning over.  
  
Severus ignored them, continuing with his writings.   
  
"Oh, 'theverus the 'thnake, don't ignore me," he continued, dropping to a whisper.  
  
Severus' hand shook in anger.  
  
"'Theveru--"  
  
*Bam* Severus aimed his wand at Sirius and screamed a charm. A goat stood on the desk where Sirius once was. Severus looked a little shocked at what he had done, but over all, he was pleased. His angsty smile crept across his lips as the little animal began chewing on Remus' robes.  
  
"That was so not cool," Remus remarked, looking down at Sirius the goat.  
  
"That's it, Mr. Snape! Out into the corridor! Quickly!"  
  
Severus followed Empiress reluctantly, a little dark cloud of thoughts bubbling in his mind.  
  
"Is widdle 'wucius aww awone?" Remus taunted leaning across his desk.  
  
Lucius' eyes welled up and the goat made some noises that sounded similar to Sirius' stupid laugh. "Severus sure showed you!" he said, his voice breaking a little. The goat bellied.  
  
James narrowed his eyes. "You'll pay for this, Malfoy," he said, maliciously. "You, your little gothic friend, and loony shroom boy."  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. "Like I was saying," she said. "He was like, 'No way!' And I was like, 'Yes way!' And he was all, 'For sure?'...."  
  
Her voice was drowned out by the noise of the class. Lucius peered out the window and saw Tom running in circles in a clearing in the Forbidden Forest. He rested his chin on his delicate little hands and caught a glimpse of Narcissa. She was fussing with her curls and talking wildly to Lara Strella. To Lucius, she was the most wonderful thing in the entire universe. Right up there with that muggle show Charlie's Angels.  
  
Severus and the professor came back in the room. Severus sat in a corner while Empiress continued her thrilling lesson. He crossed his arms angrily and sneered whilst he sat on a little wooden stool.  
  
  
It was midnight and Tom hadn't come back. The guys were used to this, but something wasn't right.   
  
"He did seem a little crazier than usual," Lucius remarked as he looked up from Little Women. "Poor Tom seems to have totally lost touch with reality."  
  
"Maybe we should get rid of his toad collection," Severus suggested.   
  
Tom had invited them over to his house one summer. To say the least, it wasn't a very pleasant experience. Tom's mother was in a wizard jail for god knows what, and his father had run off with a house elf. It was said they owned a small deli in Alabama. The house was big and creepy, all the rooms were cladden with spider webs except for Tom's. None of the other rooms were ever used. He always entered through his window, not daring to set foot in any other place. "Them devils'll get me, I says," he told them once. His room had three long shelves, stretching along the length of his room. All were filled to the maximum with jars of colorful frogs. His favorite was one called Artemis who was white except for the bright blue skull on its back. Those frogs--along with the briefcase of magical pills Tom hid under his bed--were the source of his... "Weirdness."  
  
"I think we should find him," Lucius said. "Maybe he's scared."  
  
"He's been out later than this."  
  
"But he's our friend. He could be hurt."  
  
"Lucius, he's fine."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Lucius, shut up, I mean it."  
  
"Maybe one of Rubeus' creatures got him! He can never control his pets!"  
  
"Lucius..."  
  
"Or maybe--"  
  
"LUTHITHS! I mean ... ah fuck." Severus closed up his journal, ignoring a few frightened noises from some third years. "Fine, we'll go look for him."  
  
"Yay!" Lucius shouted jumping to his feet. "I'll be down in a minute!"   
  
A few moments later, Lucius emerged from his room, sporting an explorer's hat and a net.  
  
"What the bloody hell are you wearing?" Severus demanded.   
  
"I think it's cute!" Lucius said, admiring himself in the full-length mirror.  
  
Severus snatched the hat off Lucius' head and grabbed the net, tossing both of them into the fire. Lucius sniveled, but followed Severus out into the dungeous corridor.  
  
They tip toed across the large patch of grass, trying to hide themselves in the night from the gaze of the Gryffindors. Lucius tripped and yelped, but no one seemed to notice, they were all to busy anyway. Lily and James were holding hands, and Remus, Peter, and the goat were hanging out of the balcony.  
  
"Lily," James began faltering a little. "I don't know how to say this, but--"  
  
"Chuck it! Chuck it!" the boys upstairs chanted and out crashed a four poster bed. There were shouts of triumph among the boys.  
  
James tried to ignore them. "What I mean is--"  
  
Some more "Chuck its" preceded the hurtling of a couch through the air. More shouts of joy followed that.  
  
"Dude! That was so cool!"  
  
"Bahhh."  
  
"Lily, I love you and I was wondering if--"  
  
"Baaaahh!" Sirius the goat went flying out of the window.  
  
"--If you would--"  
  
A humongous water heater came crashing to the ground narrowly missing the couple and the hiding Severus and Lucius.  
  
"God dammit!" James shouted, looking up at the guys. "Would you stop that?!"  
  
"Fine, fine," Remus said, reluctantly setting down an ivory table.   
  
"Lily, will you marry me?" James said, the words spilling out at once. Severus almost fell over dead and Lucius began to cry.  
  
"How sweet!" he said, wiping away a tear. Severus elbowed him hard in the ribs.  
  
Lily didn't look pleased. "Where's the ring, doofus?" she asked angrily, putting her hands on her hips. James looked around surprised. "And why aren't you down on your knee? God, James, you are so unromantic!"   
  
Severus chuckled as Lily stormed away. The two were the school's on-again-off-again couple. The thought of them getting married amused everyone.  
  
"Dude that sucks," the human form of Sirius emerged from the pile of rubbish. "Oh well." He put on his walkman and walked up the stairs back to his room, just missing the two onlookers.  
  
"Let's go look for Tom," Lucius said, putting his hanky in his robes.  
  
Severus nodded and held his head up high. If he couldn't have Lily, at least James couldn't either. He felt invincible. Nothing could hurt him. He was a god among men. He was--  
  
*smack* Severus got smacked right in the face by the Whomping Willow. He felt his face angrily.  
  
"Oh my," Lucius said, lighting up his wand and examining Severus' face. "Your nose has swelled! That'll take weeks to heal. But not to worry! I have concealer!"  
  
Severus sunk. "Let's go look for that stupid old git," he said standing up. "Tom's always getting us into crap like this."  
  
"Don't be so hard on him!" Lucius wailed. "My daddy says he comes from a broken home. Daddy's always right about things like--"  
  
"Sucks to your daddy!" Severus said as they entered the darkness of the forest.  
  
"You're mad, aren't you, Severus?" Lucius sniveled and his lip quivered.  
  
But before Severus had time to answer, a crazy beast bounded out of a cover of trees and attacked Lucius, pouncing on him and ripping his robes savagely. Severus desperately tried to pull the creature away, but its nails were digging into Lucius. Severus stomped on his back, weakening him, and kicked him hard on his rump, sending him hurtling off Lucius.  
  
Lucius was in tears and the thing stepped into the path, now visible by the moonlight.  
  
It was Tom, and--surprisingly--he looked composed.  
  
"What the hell, Tom?" Severus said viciously. "You could've killed him."  
  
Tom shrugged and he brushed back his wild hair.   
  
"Now Tom," Lucius scolded, waving a finger at him. "That wasn't at all civil. Now if you want to sa--"  
  
Tom cut him off by sending him an evil "you will obey me" look. Lucius cowered.  
  
"Get your ass back in our dorm, Tom."  
  
Tom waited for Severus and Lucius to leave. He stood up straight, looking almost normal. His torn robes and twisted look distorted his sense of composure. He had a sock on his right foot and his ghastly, long, creepy sixth toe jutted out irregularly on his bare left foot. His abnormal toe was a result from his use of odd medications and toad licking.   
  
Tom stepped out of the forest and walked proudly toward the castle.  
  



	3. Tom's Vision

Chapter Three - Tom's Vision  
  
  
Tom started shaking violently in his room. Severus and Lucius looked at him with a mix of concern, curiousity, and anger. Lucius, having nothing else to do, pulled out his book and began reading. Severus left to the common room downstairs.  
  
Tom looked around the room with shifty eyes and fell off the bed. Acting as if nothing happened, he ripped open his wooden case burried under his bed. There were layers of multi-colored pills, but Tom reached below those. The echo of jars clanking together was the only sound in the room as Tom pulled out a purple frog with orange eyes.  
  
"Joogle!" he called happily as he shook the frog around in its little container. Tom pulled the top off eagerly and laughed violently. He snatched out the little anphibian and scraped his tongue along its back, slowly savoring it.  
  
Instantly his eyes widened and the room changed to a spiral of purple.  
  
Tom...  
  
"Eh?!" Tom jumped up and searched around.  
  
Tom Riddle...  
  
Tom looked around nervously. He became scared. Bad trip = no fun.  
  
Riddle, my boy, over here...  
  
A bright orange mushroom was hovering right in front of Tom. He became relaxed as soon as he figured out who the little thing was.  
  
"Hullo, Mr. Mushroom."  
  
I have news for you, Tom, the mushroom said, about your future.  
  
"Meh?"  
  
Yes, Tom. You will be a great leader; a powerful leader; a ruler respected by all!  
  
Tom's mouth twitched. "I scared."  
  
Don't be, Tom, the mushroom continued. For YOU will strike fear in the hearts of men. YOU will be a god among men, YOU will create master plans, YOU will... the little fungus pulled out a book and mumbled as he traced down the page with his finger. Ah! YOU will be a DARK LORD!  
  
"Yipe!" Tom held on to his knees and rocked back and forth. "I can't be a leader, Mr. Mushyroomy."  
  
Trust me, Tom, you will burn down cities and threaten peoples lives if they deny your superiority. You will be the most respected ruler there ever was!  
  
Tom looked a little nervous, but the mushroom began to shrink and fade into the background.  
  
"Mr. Mushy! Don't leave meee!" Tom shouted, reaching out toward nothing.   
  
You have all the information you need for now, my boy. Now, go! Summon the others! Tell them of your plans!  
  
"That I will," he saluted as his mouth cracked open and drool dribbled out the side of his mouth. The room began to fade back to its normal tint and Tom woke from his trance. Lucius was laying on his bed reading and everyone else was busy doing other things.  
  
Tom grabbed Lucius and shook him by the shoulders. "Come, man!" he shouted. "There is much work to be done!"  
  
Lucius blinked and looked bewildered.  
  
"Let us find the others! There is no time to waste!"  
  
Tom bounded on to the floor and unlatched his case again. He grabbed a capsule of yellow pills and poured them into his mouth, spilling more on the floor than in his mouth. His forehead rippled and his eyes changed shape a few times. He began to babble as he stumbled out the door.  
  
"That dude is so la-dee-daad on the whoohaw," someone said, peeking out from behind his curtain.  
  
Lucius rolled his eyes and continued to read about Jo and her sisters.  
  



	4. Let's Ditch this Popsicle Stand!

V/N - Fourth addition to the story, hope ya like. Thank you for the fabulous reviews (and porn ::rolls eyes, astounded by the human race yet again::) Be prepared for more shockers as Mag and I continue to twist the characters around ::grin::.   
-- Versailles (Verse+eye)  
  
  
Chapter Four - Let's Ditch this Popsicle Stand!  
  
  
Tom Riddle wandered the corridor. His hands were fidgeting madly and brilliant colors swirled around his head. He was rambling on and began telling how to divide fractions. As he was about to ascend a staircase, someone ran smack into him.  
  
*oof* Minerva McGonagall looked down at her scattered papers and adjusted her glasses. "I'm so sorry!" she apologized as she picked up her notebooks and assignments. "I guess I wasn't looking where I... where I was..." Minerva looked up as Tom handed her one of her fallen books.  
  
"Thank you," she said sweetly, taking the book and placing it in a pile. She then glanced down at her robes, picking at a grease stain that wasn't coming up.   
  
"I was wondering, Tom," she began, trying not to sound too forward, "if maybe you'd like to go to the ball with me."  
  
"Vrooty sloosh?" Tom foamed at the mouth and his right arm turned into a slimy green tentacle.   
  
"Great! I'll see you at seven!"  
  
Tom sat in the middle of the hall, his head madly swinging from side to side, having no idea what he just got himself into.  
  
  
"Guess what, guys!" Lucius squealed at breakfast the next morning. "I got a girl!"  
  
Severus choked on his orange juice. "Someone got you in bed? By god, who's the wonder-woman?"  
  
Lucius ignored the implication of his remark. "Lily Potter!"  
  
The entire Slytherin table turned and looked at Lucius, who sunk down next to the very bewildered Severus.  
  
He grabbed Lucius by the collar of his robes. "You lie."  
  
Lucius, looking extremely frightened, shook his head quickly.  
  
"I had a girl, too!" screamed Tom. "She was beautiful and she had eight arms! And she gave me theeeeese!!" Tom's tremulous hand reached into his pocket and unscrewed a bottle of bouncing pink pills. As he took the top off, the pills jumped out and buried themselves into the wood of the table. Tom shrieked and fainted, splattering his oatmeal all over Persephone Lotte. Like clockwork, two men from the Hospital Wing lifted him up and carried him off. Tom was such a frequent visitor he had his own section there.  
  
Severus poked at his eggs with his fork. Of course, he thought, more depressed than usual. Lily was just playing with me ... I knew she couldn't love me ... After all, no matter how much I care about her, she is the school's harlot...  
  
  
After the graduation ceremony, Lucius and Severus were up in the common room. Neither of them had managed to find a date to the mandatory ball, so they weren't making much of an effort to look good; well, Severus wasn't, anyway. Lucius, on the other hand, was dressed in what he thought was a snazzy pale blue tuxedo, complete with orange bowtie. He was standing in front of the mirror, fixing his hair. Severus was falling asleep on the couch, wearing his usual black and grey robes.   
  
"Severus, " Lucius said. "You could at least make some effort." He reached for Severus' hair with a comb in his hand, but his wrist was grabbed by Severus' sleepy hand. Surrendering, Lucius tossed him a red bowtie, Severus put it on.  
  
"Have you seen Tom, Severus?" Lucius asked, back at the mirror again.  
  
"I'd imagine if he has half a mind he's back in the forest, ditching this stupid dance. It's not fair Dumbledore lets him get away with everything he does."  
  
The Great Hall was heavily decorated with house colors and pictures. The "Best Of" photos were all pinned on one wall. Sirius and Remus, of course, had tied for "Class Clown." They were messing around and bumping chests in their picture, smiling stupidly. James and Lily had won "Best Couple." Severus scowled and charmed the picture so that James sported a long, shaggy red beard. He sneered and walked away to the table of refreshments.  
  
He sat down at a chair next to the table, opened his journal and whipped out a quill. Just as he was about to begin, he caught the oddest sight out of the corner of his eye.  
  
Tom had just walked in from the entrance across from the table. Not only was he clad in new handsome dress robes, but he had a date. Not only a date, but Minerva. Minerva McGonagall and Tom Riddle. Just the idea was absurd. All the occupants of the Great Hall were staring at the two. Severus looked at Lucius whose eyes were gleaming with pride.  
  
Everyone eventually became immersed in the ceremonies again and the unlikely couple began to dance--if you would choose to call it that. Tom, however nicely he was dressed, was more uppity than ever. Minerva was dressed regally in flowing scarlet robes. She led him along the dance floor, and he shuffled and scooted along with her.   
  
Severus frowned and continued writing as Lucius sat down next to him, holding a goblet of punch.   
  
"I'm so proud of our little Tom," he said. "Imagine, he, of all people, has found someone to make him happy."  
  
"Happy?!" Severus spat. "By tomorrow, he won't even remember this whole thing! I'll bet you anything he doesn't even know her name!"  
  
"Do I sense some envy, Severus?"  
  
"No," he pouted, becoming very concerned with what he was writing.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What are you writing?"  
  
"Nothing." He clutched his book closer as Lucius leaned over.  
  
"I know you're writing something. Is it about me?"  
  
"God, no!"  
  
"Please read me a little!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pleeeaaaase?"  
  
"Argh, fine." Severus flipped open to a page. He cleared his throat.  
  
"Dust, FIRE, agony, BETRAYAL. A figure on the horizon, CRADLING, ashes, BURNING, longing, DUST!" Severus hung his head and began snapping his fingers. He had gathered a small crowd as his voice rose, and now everyone was staring at him.  
  
"Well," Lucius gulped. "That was lovely..." He then squinted, looking at something across the hall.  
  
"Narcissa!" he yelled, flailing his arms and chasing after her. "Narcissa, dear!"  
  
Narcissa cursed under her breath and forced a grin as Lucius came bounding up to her and her date. Lucius smiled gallantly and Narcissa's date grunted.   
  
"Whaddaya want, Lucius?" she asked as her date left to go chow at the refreshment table. While everyone else at the school spoke with an English accent, Narcissa had a very prominent Broklyn tone to her voice.  
  
"I was wondering, Narcissa," Lucius twiddled his fingers nervously, "if maybe you'd dance with me, this being the last dance and all."  
  
"Lucius, no, I--"  
  
"Please, Narcissa? I mean, we may never see each other ever again."  
  
"That's true,"she said, smiling at the thought of never having to put up with Lucius Malfoy for the rest of her life.   
  
"So just one?"  
  
"No, I have a date, Lucius--"  
  
"Pleeeeeaaaaase?"  
  
"Goddammit Lucius, just one dance!"  
  
"Yippee!" Lucius skipped and the two danced as the orchestra played a charming slow song.  
  
Severus sat, still very alone at his seat. He watched with raised eyebrows as Sirius and Remus spiked the punch with some alcohol they'd smuggled from Hog's Head. He turned his gaze to the dance floor where Lily and James were dancing, too close to each other. Lucius was smiling and talking excitedly to a very unfortunate Narcissa. The song ended and Lily and James approached the table.  
  
"Hey, Lily, guess how many points I scored this year in Quidditch."  
  
"God, James, I was talking. And then he goes "No way!" and I'm like "Shut up right now!" so she says--oh, hey Severus," Lily smiled and waved as James shook his fist.  
  
Severus stood up quickly and directed a malicious look toward James. He wondered if James had any idea what Lily had been up to in the past 48 hours.  
  
"Hello Lily," Severus said, still keeping eye contact with James. "Perhaps you'd like to dance with me?"  
  
"Love to," Lily said as she took Severus' arm. James sunk down in Severus' seat. "Let him have his moment in the sun," he growled, snatching a goblet from Peter Pettigrew. "That's all he's gonna get."  
  
"Holy Jesus," Sirius said, looking over his dance partner's shoulder. "'Theverus is dancing with Lils."  
  
Remus laughed, dipping his partner and contrasting with the music of the time. "She must've had too much of our 'Special Graduation Punch.'"  
  
Lily and Severus were trying to ignore everyone's baffled looks and unflattering comments.   
  
"You think they'd be expecting this sometime," she said, attempting to break the tension. "Us being friends for all these years and all."  
  
"I guess," he said, his gaze wandering to Tom who had just dove into the punchbowl. "Say, Lily, are you and James still fighting, because if you are I'm always here--"  
  
"Omigod, Severus, guess what?!" she exclaimed. "We're gonna get married!"  
  
"But I thought..." his thoughts wandered to the night the two were fighting outside the forest. He shook it off and said darkly, "Good for you guys."   
  
"I'm so happy, Severus, you have no idea!" She then dropped to a whisper. "You know what else? I think I'm pregnant!"  
  
The room went black and Severus passed out cold, right in the middle of the Great Hall.  
  
  
"She's having a baby?" Lucius gasped while he neatly folded some sweaters and packed them into his trunk. "What if it's mine?!"  
  
"Even worse," Severus began, crumpling up some socks and shoving them into and old sack. "What if it's Tom's?"  
  
As of last night, no one had seen Tom or Minerva. All the other kids were nudging each other, thinking racy thoughts, but Lucius and Severus pushed that thought to the back of their minds. Tom had been acting rather weird lately, going from lunatic to evil genius hadn't been his style in previous years. His teachers noticed the difference, too. Carefully written instructions on how to perform deadly curses were found on the back of half his papers. All the professors just shrugged it off. After all, what was the worst that could happen?  
  
Oddly enough, Tom walked in the room at that moment. He was still wearing his dress robes from last night and his hair was slicked back. He had a cold look to him and his eyes moved around the room slowly. He began to walk toward Severus and Lucius, his hands folded in front of him.  
  
"Boys," he said, glancing around the room to make sure no one was listening. "I have a proposition for the two of you."  
  
Lucius and Severus looked at each other, a little worried at what was about to come. Lucius was too afraid to speak.  
  
"And that would be...?" Severus asked.  
  
"I have received a mission, boys," he said, annunciating each syllable, much unlike his usual garbled speech. "A vision. A prophecy, if you will. I am destined to become the next dark lord."  
  
"You, a dark lord?!" Logan Story commented, turning from his packing. "Yo ass is trip-in. Hell, I mean I--"  
  
In a flash, Tom changed the boy into a serpent without uttering a single word. "I mean business, boys," he said as he picked up the slithering little reptile. "Either you're in, or you'll be much worse off than our little friend, Mr. Story."  
  
Severus gulped and Lucius raised his hand as if this ordeal was a lesson.  
  
"What is it, Malfoy?"  
  
"Um, in this little 'club' thing, will there be babes involved?"  
  
"As many as you wish, but aren't you concerned about the--"  
  
"And what about donuts? Can we have truckloads of donuts?"  
  
"If that is so you wish, and there will be--"  
  
"Alright! Girls and food! What more could you want? This'll be so much fun, Tom! Just like old times!"  
  
"You will achieve everything you have ever dreamed, but by no means will this be fun, Malfoy. You will work hard for everything, and you will obey everything I command."  
  
Lucius was too excited to let Tom's words get him down. He skipped out of the room, carrying his luggage. Severus put a pale hand on his forehead as he slung his sack over his shoulder with the other. He could already feel the disaster in this little scheme.  
  



	5. The Official Propagandists

Chapter Five - The Official Propagandists

Chapter Five - The Official Propagandists

"Gentlemen," Tom addressed the two. "_This_ shall be our first mission."

Tom pushed open a rickety old door to reveal their new living quarters. The room was a nasty shade of gray and very dusty. Cobwebs hung in every corner and an odd musty smell lingered from the apartments lack of use. 

"Some mission," Severus snarled, analyzing the room. "I was hoping you could do a little better than this, Riddle." As of now, they were to live on the third floor of a white apartment building in the heart of London. The outside appearance wasn't impressive, either. The paint was chipping and a cheesy yellow could be seen where the white was gone. None of the trees had leaves, the place was covered with garbage, and everything had graffiti all over it. 

Lucius, on the contrary, was thrilled. 

"This place has such possibilities!" he said. He skipped to the window, avoiding some old issues of _SheMale _and a couple moldy muffins. He swung open the shutters and began to sing. "'Don't cry for me, Argentina!--'" A speeding bullet nicked the side of the window and Lucius ducked. 

"My goodness," he said, closing the window and dusting off his hands. "People here sure aren't friendly."

Tom emerged from a room he claimed for his own. "That is unfortunate for you," he said, "for you are to get acquainted with this town."

"And what do you mean by that?" Severus inquired. He began dusting off his back, for he had accidentally leaned against one of the dirty walls.

"I mean that you two shall go out into town and spread word of our organization to the other members of the wizarding community."

Lucius crossed his arms. "That doesn't sound like a very official job to me."

"A club requires affiliates, does it not?" Tom tapped his fingers together. "You two will be the Official Propagandists and lure people into a celebration we are having tonight." 

While Lucius became giddy at the thought of the party, Severus pondered.

"Oh, and one more thing," Tom exclaimed, a little glint of cunning in his eyes. "Give me your wands."

"Our wands?!" Severus bellowed. "Why?!"

"Why, Severus, my boy, to prove your _undying_ faith in this cause. I wouldn't want you two to just disappear when the times get rough. You do trust me, do you not, boys?"

They handed over their wands. Lucius cowered and Severus glared at Tom. 

"How are we to go about doing this?" he asked Tom, who whisked around, still wearing his month-old dress robes. "We are not equipped by any means to handle ourselves out in the muggle world--"

"We could be killed--"

"Or worse--"

"That, gentlemen, is for _you_ to figure out." With that, Tom left to his room and shut the door.

"Oh my," Lucius said. "What are we going to do?"

"Hell, Lucius, I don't have any idea."

"I bet I know who would." Lucius smiled uncertainly. "James' father worked for the Ministry before he died, I'll bet you anything he knows all about the--"

"We are NOT bringing Potter into this operation, I don't care how desperate we are."

"Fine then, we better get started."

In about two hours or so, the boys were standing outside a wizard pub. They were dressed in red-orange suits and Uncle Sam hats, shouting at the people who entered the pub.

"Come one, come all!" Lucius shouted, his arms raised. "To the greatest party on Earth! There will be food, alcohol, and girls, girls, girls!"

Lucius went on and on as Severus grumbled and waved a little flag with an angry face on it. Suddenly, he stopped mid-sentence.

"Narcissa!" he screamed. "Narcissa! Narcissa, over here!" He jumped up and down and waved his arms all around, knocking the hat off Severus' head and attracting the attention of too many muggles.

Narcissa covered her face and tried to turn away, but the swirling crowd of people forced her in the direction of the pub.

"Lucius," she greeted, as monotone as possible. Her girlfriends giggled.

"Narcissa! Oh, it's been ages!" He jumped up and squeezed her. "You just _have_ to come to our party tonight! It'll be so much fun!"

"I'll try, Lucius," she choked.

"Oh, excellent!" He squeezed her one more time, harder than before. "See you there, dear!" She quickly squirmed out of his arms and dragged her friends along, ducking into the nearest department store. 

"Can we take a break?" Severus questioned, rather disturbed by the previous incident. "Let's go inside and get a drink." Lucius beamed and nodded.

The bar was dark and crowded. A little weary-looking man was filling up some mugs and passing them around the bar. Severus and Lucius wormed their way to two empty seats.

"Samuel Adams," Severus said, eating some nuts and raising his hand. The publican nodded and looked at Lucius.

"Well, I," Lucius squinted around the room, looking for a menu and finding none. "I guess I'll just have a Shirley Temple." He smiled and the stout man looked at him oddly. Lucius then began laughing, butting into the conversation two wizards with long beards were having. As he started telling them about a "super party" they were having, Severus pulled him away.

"God, Lucius, you embarrass the hell out of me."

His eyes teared up. "You don't have to be so mean to me, Severus."

Severus sent an angry look at Lucius and seemed like he was about to say something, when suddenly he felt a rather large thump on his back. He cursed and turned around.

His eyes narrowed maliciously as he was face to face with two of the most revolting people he had ever had the displeasure of meeting. 

"Lupin. Black. What a pleasure."

"Certainly, 'theverus, the pleasure is all ours," Sirius sneered, rolling out his arm like a pompous butler while Remus laughed stupidly.

Lucius turned around and gaped. "Hey guys! We're having a neato party and maybe you guys would like to come! It'll be so much fun, you do--"

Severus slammed his fist on the table. "Like hell we're having a party, Lucius. Excuse him, gentlemen, Malfoy here is a compulsive liar."

Remus looked at Severus. "And it looks like you're a compulsive bad dresser person, dude. What are you _wearing_?"

"Dude, that was so funny!"

*thump*

They bumped chests and chuckled their infamous chuckles whilst Severus repeatedly bashed his head against the table. Lucius looked around happily, getting a little wired from the Shirley Temple. Sirius came back to his senses.

"What were you sayin' about a par-tay, 'wucius? Hey, where's that goon, Riddle?"

"Oh, Tom's fine, he's up in our ne--"

Severus quickly clapped his hand over Lucius' gabbing mouth.

"Tom is dead," he covered.

"Dead?" Remus said, a little unable to believe this. "How?"

"Silly, Tom isn't--"

"We killed him," Severus said with a grin.

"Sure ya did," Sirius said, adjusting his shades. "Hey, pubby, I'll have a Bud."

"With nothing but our snarling teeth and bare hands!!" Severus stood up on his stool. "We crept into his room and ransacked the place!!" He stepped onto the bar, kicking over a few drinks, enwrapped in his performance. "We tore open his chest with our ungodly fingers and slurped his flesh with our hungry mouths! AHAHAHA! Rapture, I tell you! PURE ECSTASY!" Severus broke down in a fit of mad laughter and Remus and Sirius backed up to the door. 

When they had left, Severus stopped abruptly and ignored the odd stares from the men around the room.

"Why, Severus, not a word of that was true! I think it is _you_ who are the compulsive liar."

Ignoring Lucius, he picked up his empty mug and peered in. Sirius' drink arrived next to him and Severus downed it.

"I think I'll have another, Mr. Bartender."

Lucius shook his head and began poking at a cherry in his cup with a straw.


	6. Beer-Bash Blues

V/N – After writing this chapter, I see Severus' character in a whole new light

V/N – After writing this chapter, I see Severus' character in a whole new light. I don't see him as a **Sex God** like Mag does, though. First person to tell me what movie this is from wins a buck:

"That's not Martin Sheen, that's president Kennedy, you idiot!"

Chapter Six - Beer-Bash Blues

A few moments later, Lucius was lugging Severus into the apartment. Tom was still locked away in his room and the place was still as messy as they had left it. The murky walls threatened Lucius as he helped his tipsy friend to a seat on an old couch. They dust bunnies seemed to claw at his ankles and the old magazines rustled menacingly. The cobwebs seemed to expand and the carpet stains grew darker and darker.

_This place needs a little elbow grease! _Lucius thought as he stood up and headed to the kitchen. He peered under the sink, ripping off the child-protection locks. The cupboard was bare. _Tom._ It was obvious there was some shopping to do. 

Lucius arrived back at the apartment around seven, five hours before the party was to start. He set down his bags and pushed open the door, showing the way in to some deliverymen who accompanied him. Severus was still sleeping on the couch, except now he was lounging in his underwear. He awakened alertly as the door opened with a loud creak.

"Oh for heaven's sake, Severus, put on some clothes!" Lucius demanded, looking over a large bag. "Now get up and help me with this stuff here."

Severus sat up and Lucius noticed he was a little frantic.

"Where's my journal?" he asked, ignoring a shriek from a female deliverer. 

Lucius sat down but bounced back up hastily, dusting off his pants. "Never mind that, help me fix this place up."

Severus pulled him back on the couch and looked him directly in the face. "Lucius, where the hell is my journal?" He spoke very slowly and condescending.

"Wh-why don't you ask Tom, S-severus?"

He sent Lucius a glare and stood up. Walking irregularly as a result of his drinking earlier that day, he knocked softly on Tom's door.

"Hey Tom," he asked, rapping the door again. Hearing no reply, he opened the door a crack. The second he did so, the hallway flooded with snakes of every size. Severus let out a small yelp as he fell backward against the opposite wall. Tom's door shut quickly.

Lucius skidded into the hall, a small footrest in his arms. 

"Oh my!" he shrieked. "This is horrid! Clean this up immediately, Severus! We don't have much time!"

Severus walked out into the living room and then into the kitchen. Swinging open a broom closet and knocking over a jar of mayo, he pulled out a mop and bucket and trudged back into the serpent-filled hallway. 

"And look who's doing the dirty work," he mumbled. "Ol' Cinder-Severus. If only that nutcase hadn't taken my wand, we could have this place done in a matter of seconds," he pulled up a nasty black snake by the tail. "And still be in time for _Charlie's Angels_."

Lucius, on the other hand, was humming a Van Morrison song to himself while happily scrubbing the walls.

"Well lookit that!" he said, astonished. "The walls are white! Well I'll be ... "  
  


Severus growled and dumped the bucket of slime and snakes out the window. Paying no heed to the remarks that were sent to him in a foreign tongue, he flopped down on the new, red-vinyl couch. While Lucius and the delivery people scurried about to ready the apartment, Severus stared up at the textured ceiling. The little dots danced around as his head swimmed in pain. After all, hangovers are a real bitch. The colors around the room swirled together and all the sound faded away ... 

"Oh for god's sake, get _up_ Severus!" someone squealed and Severus squinted. The stars were shining out the window and the room smelled like cheese and beans. The new coffee table was set with chips, salsa, a veggie platter, and some shrimp. Severus sat up quickly, causing little splotches of colors flash in front of his eyes.

Lucius sat on the opposite end of the couch,wearing the most hideous white disco suit ever made. The front was buttoned down and he wore a large gold chain and black platforms. His hair was still shiny and bouncy. Severus blinked in disgust.

"Pitiful."

"Oh shush, Severus, and go get dressed," Lucius snapped, lining up the chips with a bowl of bean dip he recently set on the table.

Severus stood up reluctantly and moved into the hallway. He forgot which room was his, but it didn't matter because that very instant he passed out and landed facedown on the wooden floor.

What seemed like an instant later, he awakened in a porcelain tub in a bathroom he had never seen before. The room was red tiled and the toilet and sink were polished to perfection, just like the bathtub he was sitting in. 

He hopped out onto the shiny floor. His headache was virtually gone and he was still wearing nothing but his underwear. He could hear some loud music that sounded too much like the Bee Gees for comfort. He pushed open the door and the clamor became clearer. This was his apartment, but there were strange people making out in the hallway and empty margarita glasses cluttered up a corner. Not daring to look out in the living room, he headed to the room her remembered as his own.

He was relieved to see his room the way he had left it. He headed over to his standard, sliding door closet--but what he found wasn't ordinary at all.

"What in god's name are you doing in my closet?!"

There was a small warlock inside, examining Severus' robes. He was trying to pull off a button and didn't look shocked at all when Severus screamed at him.

"I just needed to use the bathroom," he said thoughtfully.

"In a closet?!"

"I must've gotten lost along the way..."

"That's it! Out! Out! OUT!" Severus dropkicked the warlock and sent him hurtling into the crowded hallway.

A few moments later, Severus found his way into the living room wearing his usual black-and-gray robes. This room was the heart of the party, with disco lights and alcohol galore. Some people were dancing in cages and even Tom was out of his room. His hair was flecked with gray and thinning, but he looked amused as he talked to Forrest Lestrange, a guy who graduated from Hogwarts a year before the rest. On Forrest's arm was Lara Strella, a girl Severus recognized as Narcissa's old friend from school. Severus was undoubtedly the only one who really didn't want to be at the recruiting party.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed and a voice echoed through the apartment.

"Ladies and gentlemen," an unfamiliar voice said. "If you could direct your attention to the center of the room and prepared to be amazed by the rythmic movements of Funkmaster Lucius!"

The crowd cheered and hooted as Lucius began busting amazing moves to the song "Funky Town." Severus was so disgusted, he had to leave the room, and he headed to the balcony outside his room.

On the balcony, the air was crisp and cool. The usual smog of London seemed to have taken a vacation, for the stars were very distinguishable on the midnight sky. Severus' thoughts began to drift to where his journal could be. He didn't arrive to a decision, for his thoughts were interrupted by a loud *clank* below him.

"Dude, be careful with that."

"Sorry, man."

Severus squinted into the dark and saw the only two people who could spoil his evening further. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were trying to shove a beer keg through the entrance of the apartment building. Severus was blazing with anger and he dashed into the crowded living room. Lucky enough, Lucius' preformance had ceased and he was nowhere to be seen. He spotted Tom, Lara, and Forrest.

"Sir," he addressed Tom. "I do not mean to disrupt your conversation, but two unruly men are trying to crash our gathering. I ask your permission to use my wand and dispose of these vermin before they--"

"Everyone is welcome here," Tom said coolly, taking a sip from his martini. 

"I must say, Riddle, I am impressed at the way you have whipped your members into shape already!" Forrest said, laughing heartily with Lara.

Severus left without another word and stormed out of the apartment. He could hear Sirius, Remus, and the keg ascending the staircase. When they reached the top, the first thing they saw was a very murderous-looking Severus. Before anyone could say anything, two more figures came out of the party.

"Hey guys!" Lucius hiccupped. Narcissa was clinging to his arm, laughing drunkenly. An empty shot glass was in her hand and she swayed from side to side.

"Lucius, my man," Sirius said as he whisked passed Severus. Remus was bringing up the rear, trying to hold on to the bottom of the keg.

"So glad you could--hic--come, boys!"

"No prob. We brought the brewski, no worries," he patted the side of the keg.

"The members of this celebration will not ingest anything delivered by either of you two."

Everyone turned around to see Tom standing resolutely behind them. He pulled out his wand and turned the keg into a badger.

"There are plenty of intoxicating beverages and women inside, gentlemen, so please, join us," Tom gestured to the door with a sneer and the three men and the badger went into the apartment.

The two blundering drunks and Severus were standing out in the hall. Narcissa and Lucius walked awkwardly back into the party and Severus, having nothing better to do, followed. However, he did not stay in the main room, but left to Tom's.

He was so aggravated by the events so far, he had no fear of what might be waiting inside. He wasn't thinking clearly at all. He stopped in the middle of the room and looked around. No hideous beasts. No weird experiments. Not even much of anything. Severus taped his fingers against his cheek.

_If _I_ was an evil genius ... where would I ..._

"Aha!" Severus didn't have to think very long, for two wands were resting on an antique dresser. Severus grabbed the one he knew was his own, and left the room triumphantly.

"Evil genius my--"

"Severus!" Lucius called, walking irregularly to where Severus was standing. "You--hic--missed it! Tom made a great--a great ... a great ..."

"Speech, hun," Narcissa said, her eyes a little glazed.

"Yeah, that's it. It was terrific! There were all these things and stuff, you shoulda been there." 

"_I_ think Tom is off his rocker. I'm leaving this hell hole."

Severus stormed away, knocking into Alan Stormer, whose glasses went flying across the floor.

Severus was completely set on leaving, but noise from the bar by the kitchen caught his attention.

"Go! Go! Go!"

"Day-umn, man!"

Curiousity overcame him, and he watched the festivities with interest. A small group was sitting at the bar, and more than half the people from the party were watching and cheering. Stepping closer, Severus could see that the people at the bar were having a drinking contest. There was a shot glass in front of each person, two were passed out, one was puking over the edge of the bar, and the other three were downing the clear liquid hastily. Someone looked up and pointed in Severus' direction. The group turned to him as another contestant became unconscious.

"Well if it isn't 'thevey," Sirius said with a sneer. "Come to join us, have you."

"I was on my way out, Black."

"Aww, I think ol' 'theverus is scared," Remus jested, wearing the same cunning grin.

"Too afwaid to play with the big boys, are ya?"

Severus narrowed his eyes. He knew his system couldn't take high levels of alcohol, but the chance to show Sirius up was tempting.

"Let's go, Black," he said as the crowd made way for him to pass through. He sat down at the bar and Sirius brushed off all the glasses except for two. Severus took one and cleaned it with his robes, ignoring the laughter from the crowd that was growing increasingly large. Remus filled up the two glasses and stepped back.

"Ready?" he said. "One. Two. Three. GO!"

The crowd cheered as they downed their drinks. They both set down their glasses and allowed Remus to re-fill them. Both of the guys looked at each other with stares that were equally malicious. 

This ritual continued for a long time, both contestants refusing to give in. Severus' head was pounding and Sirius could barely stay seated on his stool. 

"Go!" Remus yelled after filling the glasses again. The crowd cheered louder than before, hollering and grunting for no one in particular. 

Severus slammed down his glass and looked up at Sirius, but all he saw was an empty stool. The crowd gasped as Remus ducked under the bar. He emerged in a matter of seconds and stared at Severus.

"Snape is the winner," he said emotionlessly. The crowd, however, erupted into cheers and hit Severus on the back and lifted him out of his stool. Severus could feel himself moving, but he had no idea where he was going.

The rest of the night was a total blur of lights and horrible music.


	7. The Tell-Tale Toe

Chapter Seven - The Tell-Tale Toe

Chapter Seven - The Tell-Tale Toe

A loud crash woke Severus up the next day. He was still in his robes, and he smelled strongly of vodka. The sheets of his bed clung to his ankles, which were stretched out three inches off the mattress. He felt his wand resting in his pocket and he got up to see what the noise was.

It was around noon and Lucius was in his room, stuffing as many clothes as he could into a large leather suitcase. 

"Oh, good afternoon, Severus," he said with a grunt as he shoved three sweater vests into a tight space.

"What's with this?" he said, flicking the side of the suitcase with his long finger.

"I'm going on a trip!" he said, now sitting on the overloaded suitcase. 

"To where? And with whom?" Severus was now a little interested.

"Well ..." Lucius scratched his forehead, trying to find the right way to put things. "You see, do you remember the time we learned to apparate and I was paired up with James?"

"Yes."

"And instead of apparating outside the classroom, we wound up in a casino?"

"Yes," Severus said, growing a little impatient.

"Well, last night, Sirius and Remus told me they were going back there--it's a place called Las Vegas--and everyone's going and they said I could take someone--"

"I don't want to go anywhere with _them," Severus interjected defiantly._

"I know that, that's why I'm taking Narcissa. Oh Severus, I think I'm in love!" Lucius paused and looked at Severus. Severus looked like he was about to maul Lucius. Lucius backed up a little.

"I-I was only looking out for your best interest, Sev! P-please don't hurt me!" Lucius flung up his arms over his face.

Severus reached into his pocket and grabbed hold of his wand. He pointed it at Lucius, but nothing happened. In fact, he wasn't even holding his wand, but two Crayola markers taped together.

"NO! Don't write on me! I just had this cleaned! Please! I'll bring you back some dirty playing cards, I promise! Just don't ..."

Lucius stopped pleading and glanced up at his friend through his fingers. Severus looked like he could make powder out of the markers with his index finger and thumb. He looked down at Lucius, his eyes blazing. His eyebrows lowered and his face twisted into a malevolent scowl. Then he erupted like a volcano.

"GODDAMIT LUTHITH--"

Severus clasped his hands over his mouth. He backed away slowly out of the room, looking stunned and sick. He shook his head and dashed down the hall to his room.

"_Come on girls, we've gotta get out of this jail!"_

Severus downed a can of beer as he stared at the television. Without Lucius around to clean up after him, he was covered in filth. Empty cans of nuts and discarded bags of Cheetos littered the floor. Severus belched and settled into the couch a little more, taking in the splendor that was _Charlie's Angels. _

While Severus laid there, a zombie slave to the TV god, his mind raced with insane thoughts. He thought of what he would do if he ever got his hands on James. He pondered where his journal and wand could be. But then he thought of the root of all this trouble. The one who got him into this mess. The one who kept him from living up to his real potential.

Tom Riddle.

Tom stole his wand. Tom took his journal. Tom forced him to join his stupid club that wasn't really much of a club at all. This was all Tom's fault, and Severus was not going to take it anymore. 

Maybe it was all the spicy meatballs he had, or maybe it was because he didn't have Lucius around to stop him, or perhaps it was because he was sleep deprived, but Severus got an idea. 

Severus stood up and let the crumbs fall off his bare legs. He walked resolutely into the kitchen and flung open the broom closet. With incredible strength, he ripped the broom off its handle. He tied a fork to the top of it with shoelace like a makeshift spear. He opened the cupboard and dipped two of his fingers into a jar of tomato sauce. He streaked them on his face and put a handprint on his chest. He made a sun out of mustard on his arm and an odd design on his forehead from toothpaste. On the floor was an old, brown, suede jacket, and Severus tied it around his head. He smiled viciously and scrambled into the hall, moving on all-fours.

Severus opened Tom's door slowly. His victim was sleeping soundly, and Severus moved along the floor like a savage. Tom's window was open and a cool breeze moved through the room. Tom was lying on the bed silently, free of blankets. His toe looked eerie in the light of the moon. Severus snarled and moved toward the bed. 

He raised his spear, the fork shining murderously in the moonlight. He lowered it swiftly, slicing off the toe with one fluid movement. For an instant, Severus was afraid Tom would awaken, but he only turned over restlessly.

"Come back, Barbara, sing for me ..." Tom said dreamily, still very asleep.

It was time for Severus to make his escape. He snatched the toe and put it in his own mouth. He ran out of the apartment, dashed down the stairs, still crawling on his feet and hands. He crouched in the middle of the London street and looked around, the toe hanging out of his mouth slightly. The few people who were out looked at him strangely, stopping in their tracks to stare at him. A man in his briefs with war paint wasn't very common there.

Not knowing exactly what to do, Severus stood up and looked around calmly. Then, without warning, he ran screaming down the street and then into the forest outside of town.

Severus never stopped running until he saw it through the trees. The castle looked beautiful in the morning light. Summer was coming to a close, and the teachers of Hogwarts were readying their classes for the new students. Severus bounded through the brush and swam across the freezing lake. It would have felt nice to him, but his heart was pounding so hard and his mind was elsewhere, he didn't have time to think of the waters' temperature. When he reached the shore, he jumped right through the first window he saw.

No one was in the first corridor he came tumbling through. Ignoring the glass stuck in his skin, he ran up staircase after staircase until he saw him.

"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!" he shouted, running toward him.

"Severus Snape? Is that you?"

"O great Headmaster, please give me a job!" he sobbed, burying his face into Dumbledore's silky robes.

"Normally on such short notice, I would refuse"--Severus cried harder--"But there is a position open."

"Really?" Severus said brightly.

"The Potions Master is going on maternity leave, and you can have her job."

"What about hers'?" Severus inquired, pointing to Empiress who had come out of a classroom.

"Yes, Severus, I think you would make an excellent Potions Master," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.

Severus chased down the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and pounced on her, sending her flying out of the third story window.

Severus dashed back to Dumbledore who was reflecting, just as he had left him.

"Looks like the Dark Arts position is open," Severus said with a grin.

"Get yourself cleaned up, Severus, my boy, for _you will be the Potions professor of Hogwarts!"_

Severus trudged moodily down a staircase. He suddenly realized what he had gotten himself into and sulked even more. 


	8. The Reunion

Chapter Eight - The Reunion

Chapter Eight - The Reunion

Narcissa sat in the small waiting room. Her face was burried in the heels of her hands and a cigarette was burning between her fingers. She was very shaken from the trip last week and even more shaken about something else.

_Oh my god. I can't believe I married Lucius Malfoy._

_ _

She remembered very little about their marriage in a Vegas casino, but what she did remember wasn't pleasing to her. Her face contorted when she thought about living with that bafoon for the rest of her life.

_I know, I'll just get our marriage annu-- I'll divorce that sonuvabitch! Ha ha, I'll leave his ass!_

_ _

Narcissa cackled aloud, immersed in her new idea. She began to think of nothing but this, playing scenes over and over again until her conniving smile grew wider and wider. 

"Mrs. Malfoy?"

Narcissa twisted her hands, cigarette in mouth, oblivious to the nurse.

"Mrs. Malfoy?"

The nurse was standing over her.

"Mrs. Malfoy! I have news for you!" the nurse said, half irritated, half excited.

Narcissa blinked, awakened from her pleasant daydream. She wasn't used to being referred to as "Mrs. Malfoy" and certainly was not going to get used to it.

"What is it?" she barked, her Brooklyn accent adding effect. "If it's about my ulcer, I could care le--"

"No! It's good news."

"Yeah?" she replied sarcastically.

"Mrs. Malfoy, you're pregnant."

Narcissa's mouth opened and her cigarette fell to the floor. She stared around the room in disbelief. She then began to beat her head against the table, screaming and almost sobbing.

"Damn those Vegas cocktails! Damn them to hell!"

Severus Snape, now a professor, was hardly pleased with his current position. Although he hadn't heard from Tom or Lucius for a very long time, the idiots he had the chore of teaching were eating away at what was left of his soul. He was so grateful that the school year was ending in a matter of days. It astonished him how they could sit there for hours on end and not take in a single word he said. But one day, something even more astonishing arrived by owl.

The note that fell directly into his scrambled eggs read:

_To whom it may concern;_

_ _

_If one values his life, he will attend a certain meeting of the newly formed Death Eaters held tonight at 16 Jaques Avenue. Be prepared for a great misfortune should one refuse this invitation._

_ _

The invite didn't need to be signed, for Severus knew whom it was from. His insides turned over. He could only imagine how much "fun" it would be sitting in an empty warehouse with the people he had spent a year trying to forget.

_This is going to be one bloody hell of an evening, _he thought darkly.

Severus raised an eyebrow as he stood on the pavement in front of a run-down building.

"Please tell me ..." he began as he fumbled inside his pocket for the note he received earlier that day. He grumbled as he saw that he _was _at the correct address. 

"Riddle has never been known for his taste in living quarters," he said as he approached the structure that read "The Fatty Club" in broken letters. His thoughts wandered from his old apartment, to Tom's less-than-substantial dorm at Hogwarts, and then to the old Riddle household. His thoughts were not positive when he reached for the dusty doorknob.

The door creaked and echoed through the very empty building. 

_Perhaps I'm early, _he thought, even though he was slightly worried. Blood pounded in his ears when he caught sight of a small object sitting on the only piece of furniture in the room.

"Tom?!" he screamed as he ran closer to a small coffee table. His wild thoughts were confirmed when he stood at the table's edge. What looked like a human skull was perched on a frayed doily. Severus reached for it.

"Oh dear god, what have they do--"

Before Severus could finish his horror-stricken sentence, his feet left the ground. He felt like his stomach was about to leap up into his throat. When he thought he was about to lose his dinner, he stumbled onto a hard floor. He was on all fours and panting heavily.

_A portkey,_ he thought. _Should've known ..._

"Well, well, look who decided to grace us with his presence!"

Severus looked up towards the ceiling to find himself gazing at the face of Forrest Lestrange, who was standing over him with an artificial air of superiority.

"A pleasure to see you as well, Lestrange," he said sarcastically.

Severus stood up and dusted off his robes. He found he was in a rather large room. The windows and doors were sealed and a swamp cooler was on full blast in one corner. There were couches and chairs and a podium. 

The dark room was crowded, mostly with unfamiliar faces. Two burly men were poking at a small guy with glasses and brown hair that stood on end. In getting a closer look, Severus could tell that the large men were Crabbe and Goyle, and the smaller was Alan Stormer. He noticed a few others, but he didn't see Tom or--

"Severus!"

That high-pitched squeal of joy could only belong to one individual.

"Lucius--" Severus began as he was pulled into a bear hug.

"Sevey!" Lucius squeezed a little harder. "I missed you! Where have you been?! Tom's been worried sick!"

"I'm sure he has," Severus said cynically. "I've gotten a _real paying job_, Lucius. And what have _you_ been doing?"

"Omigod, Sev, guess what!" Lucius was jumping from foot to foot in jocund anticipation.

"Hmm?"

"I. Got. MARRIED!" Lucius brandished a large diamond ring and shoved it into Severus' face. 

"Isn't the woman supposed to wear that thing?" Severus implored.

"Oh, Narcissa doesn't like sparkly things," Lucius replied, admiring his ringed finger. "But I love the way diamonds shimmer in the sunlight! Don't you?"

"Well--"

"Guess what else!"  
  


"What ever next, Lucius?"

"_I've_ got myself a strapping young boy to carry on the family name! He's so adorable! You should see the way he knaws on Narcissa's ear!"

"Sounds charming, Lucius," Severus said, his gaze now fixed on a group of foreign wizards. "Where did all these people come from?"

"Tom has his ways," Lucius said with a broad grin. "He has such ambition! He set his mind on something and he followed through with it!" Lucius sighed. "Our little dark lord."

The already dark room was growing darker and a light shown on the podium. Severus and Lucius took their seats at an empty couch. The rooom flooded with applause as Tom Riddle stepped up to the podium. Tom's hair was very thin and he looked a little whiter than he had the last time Severus had seen him.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Tom began, motioning with his hands to quiet the excited crowd. "I thank you all for your support in attending this meeting."

Crabbe and Goyle began whooping from one corner of the room. 

Tom tilted his head and ignored the two. "A very special thank you to Stormer for introducing the idea of a porkey to keep certain members from finding out the whereabouts of our secret organization's headquarters."

Severus narrowed his eyes as people laughed and clapped for Alan.

"And also to the Malfoys for their financial and moral support."

Lucius jumped up and pointed to himself as a weak applause sounded from the crowd. He bowed several times and whispered "thank yous" to no one in particular.

Tom organized some papers on the podium and cleared his throat. 

"However, I regret to inform you that I will be leaving yet again," he said with fake sadness. Some members sighed and gasped. "But before I go, we must get some work done. Pettigrew! Assistance!"

At these orders, Peter Pettigrew came bounding out of a chair that seemed far too small to hold his weight. He was holding a chart and he pinned it to an old easel that was resting near Tom. 

"What the hell is Pettigrew doing here?!" Severus demanded, managing to keep his voice low enough so that only Lucius could here him.

"Well ... " Lucius tapped his chin and his gaze wandered, and he eventually forgot he had started talking in the first place. Severus, slightly flustered, looked back at the head of the room.

The chart read "The Official Death Eaters Circle of Fun." Below that was a diagram of little stick firgures standing in a circle. Each was labeled.

"Now," Tom said, pushing Pettigrew aside and standing in front of the diagram. "Death Eaters, arise."

There was a scuffling sound of chairs and Tom's audience arose with difficulty, members pushing members and some even cracking chairs over each other's heads.

"Memo, Pettigrew," Tom said, and Peter whipped out a pad a paper and waited eagerly for Tom's next words. "We _must _work on this band of disobedient numb skulls." Peter knew by "we" he meant "you" and Peter scribbled Tom's command frivolously.

Amidst the crowd, Lucius waved his hands frantically. Tom caught sight of this and narrowed his gaze in disgust.

"What is it, Malfoy?"

"I was wondering, Tom, if may--"

Tom shuddered at the mention of his own name. 

"Let me make it a point," he began, slowly and murderously, a vein in his forehead thumping slightly. "To abolish that name." He scoured the room with his penetrating gaze. "From here on out, I will be referred to as your supreme leader ... "

The Death Eaters waited anxiously as a sound resembling a drum roll sounded from behind their "supreme leader."

"... LORD VOLDEMORT!"

The Death Eaters stood wide-eyed in shock. A few started to chortle. 

"Lord Voldemort?" an unfamiliar wizard blurted between fits of laughter. "That's a hoot and a half!"

A moment later, that wizard was nothing but a small spider scuttling on the floor. Tom blew smoke off his wand and looked at his hushed audience with his o-familiar stare.

"Let that be a warning to you misfits," he said. "Defiance is not tolerated."

There was an air of hushed tension hovering above the crowd. 

"Now!" Voldemort said, clapping his hands together excitedly. "Let's get to the Circle of Fun!"

A few moments later, Voldemort and Pettigrew were assorting Death Eaters according to the diagram. In a relatively short time, most of the members were sorted.

"... And Snape, you get to stand next to Malfoy."

"Goody," Severus murmured from a crack in his mouth.

Lucius smiled faintly. He had a strange urge to do the Hokey Pokey in this large circle, but he refrained. Tom, well, this "Voldemort" fellow, was rather frightening. 

When the circle was completed, Voldemort looked on with satisfaction. 

"Remember your positions," he said, holding his hands behind his back and pacing around the circle. "Now, before I go, I will assign you each a mission."

The Death Eaters turned to one another in delight. Severus groaned.

_Yipee, guess who gets to be the "Official Toilet Scrubber" _he thought as he crossed his arms.

Write us at – hogwarts_hos@yahoo.com


	9. The Official Designers

Chapter Nine - The Official Designers

V/N – Extra long for your enjoyment. I am vacationing. Ha. Review, my children of the night. Mwa ha ha.

Chapter Nine - The Official Designers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially descended into Hell."

There was a unanimous groan of agreement following Avery's remark.With Voldemort gone, they didn't have anyone to tell them what to do, and therefore, lounged in the furnace that was their headquarters.

Voldemort had taken Peter with him, and ordered the rest of the Death Eaters to remain in the confines of the warehouse ("If you are not all here when I get back, there will be Hades to pay.") The swamp cooler had broken down and the crowd was utterly miserable in the dead heat of July. And another unfortunate event had also occurred.

"I can't believe _Charlie's Angels _got canceled," Severus said, his robes sodden with sweat and sticking to his hot skin. 

Lucius' eyes welled up. He pulled a trading card out of his shirt pocket and caressed it.

"Ferrah!" he yelled in between fits of angry tears. "FERRAH!" He then broke down in a weeping pile of flesh and pounded his fists against the hard floor. 

Alan Stormer looked up from the mechanism he was tinkering with.

"Honestly boys," he began, welding two metal things together with his wand. "You really should get started on _your_ jobs. Everyone else has."

Severus snarled at Alan, but Stormer was right. Even Crabbe and Goyle began their job in cleaning the foreign gunk out of all the sinks. Most of the other Death Eaters had top-secret jobs ("It's just because all these snooty bastards suck up like nobody's business." "Severus! That's not very nice!")

"We'll start tomorrow," Severus said idly, flipping through a Barbie coloring book and scribbling mustaches on the characters with a large permanent marker. "By the way, Stormer, what _are_ you doing?"

"Nothing!" Alan closed his arms around his work possessively. 

Just then, Forrest Lestrange Apparated into the room.

"Boys! I have the solution to all our problems! Hurry up Lara, ... honestly!"

Lara kicked open the bathroom door. Her hair was in her face and she was nearly falling over from the weight of the box she was holding. She sent her husband a murderous look.

"Is it a new swamp cooler?"

"Or some babes?"

"Donuts? Could it be the donuts?"

"We could only hope!"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Forrest. "Something _much _better. Lara, do the honors."

Lara glared as Forrest flopped down on one of the couches. With difficulty, she pulled out a large square box with a screen.

"Hot damn!" Severus shouted, jumping up in excitement. "A television!"

Forrest nodded with an "am I the man or what" look.

"FERRAH!" Lucius wailed, but was pushed aside by the curious wizards.

"Wuzzat?" Crabbe asked, jabbing the television with his scrub brush.

"Prepare to be amazed," he said, wielding a remote control. Lara plugged in a large cord in the nearest outlet. Forrest flicked the television on and waited while his wife adjusted the knobs on the front of the TV.

Slowly, a picture came into focus. There was no sound, but the Death Eaters watched intently.

"Woah-ho, lookie here!"

Lucius looked up from his fetal position. He wiped his tears away.

"What's _Baywatch_, Severus?" he asked, watching the screen with a sudden interest.

The wizards surrounding them shushed Lucius.

"I don't know, but it seems ... " Severus tilted his head to one side. " ... _very_ interesting."

Lucius woke Severus up very early the next morning. 

"Rise and shine, sleepy head," he said to the misty-eyed Severus. Severus rubbed his eyes and sat upright.

"What time is it?" he demanded, still a little dazed.

"Early," Lucius said, picking some lint off his sweater vest. "We have a busy day ahead of us! But first, we need to stop at my house."

"You wait here," Lucius said to Severus. Lucius entered the house and Severus pulled up a chair on the porch.

Lucius pushed open a door uncertainly on the second floor of Malfoy Manor. Afraid of disturbing Narcissa, Lucius tiptoed across the carpeted floor to a shelf. He began rummaging, but the smell of a burning cigarette made him turn around.

"Hello Narcissa," he said, a little less perky than usual.

Narcissa's eyes were sunken and bloodshot. She was sitting up amidst the sheets and frilly pillows. Her hair was in curlers and she was wearing a pink bathrobe that Lucius recognized as his own. In one hand she had a cigarette and in the other she held a glass of what appeared to be gin.

"Lucius, do you have any idea what time it is?"

Lucius twiddled his fingers.

"No," he replied, his eyes glued to the floor.

"It's six forty-two." She took a deep drag on her cigarette. "Six forty-two, for god's sake, Lucius! Do you know how long I've been up since?" 

"Umm--"

"Four forty-two. Lucius, now, do you know why?" Her accent was strong and her voice was very frustrated.

"Well--"

"Because of that little monster, Lucius! Your son!"

"He's an active boy--"

"Shut up," she interjected sharply. "I stay here with that little brat and you go off to your little meetings and talk about your _Charlie's Angels_!" She took a long sip from her glass of gin. "For crissake, Lucius, I got things ta do, ya know?"

"I'm the man of the house!" Lucius said proudly. "I'll do whatever I please!"

Narcissa leaned over and put her cigarette out in his eye. He yelped in pain and fumbled in his pockets for his compact. While Lucius inspected his injury, the door flew open.

In came Dobby the house elf, and on his back was little Draco Malfoy. He was whipping Dobby with a belt and pretending to be a cowboy. Dobby made a sharp turn and Draco did a mid-air summersault. He rolled onto the bed and smiled at his mother.

Seizing the moment, Lucius shoved his compact back into his pocket.

"I need to be going now, dear. Official business, you know," he finished quickly and sprinted out of the bedroom.

Narcissa screeched and sobbed into her hands.

Severus narrowed his eyes.

"You're joking, right?" he said, glaring at Lucius from underneath a few strands of his greasy hair that had fallen in his face.

"No way!" Lucius squealed with delight. "I _love_ Banana Republic!"

Severus reluctantly followed Lucius into the store. It was about midday, now. The two Death Eaters had gotten very little done, except a trip to the bank and stopping every few streets for a "snack."

The minute they entered the store, Lucius began wiggling his hips and singing aloud to the song that was playing.

"C'mon Severus! 'You're too shy, shy, hush, hush, eye-to-eye!'"

Severus hid his face in embarrassment.

Lucius did a funny dance over to a rack in the corner.

"Ooh! Sweater vests!"

"Don't you think you have enough of those things?" Severus said with an arched eyebrow.

"Oh, you can never have too many sweater vests!" said a man with a funny accent that Severus had never heard before. He had crept up behind Severus and was showing Lucius the new arrivals.

"And what will your partner be having today, hmm?" the man said, looking Severus up and down.

"Oh, Jamal!" Lucius said, admiring a teal vest. "We aren't partners! Actually, I'm here for some uniforms for some friends of mine."

"I see," Jamal said, taking one last look at Severus. "You might want to look over here, then."

Severus shivered with discomfort after Jamal escorted Lucius to rack of polo shirts.

"These would be perfect!"

Severus inched away from the two. From the corner of his eye he saw something. Could it have been ... no. But maybe ... 

Severus peered from behind a rather large stack-shelf of suede ankle boots. He turned to Lucius.

"Lucius!" he beckoned quietly and harshly. "Get over here."

Lucius handed a poplin shirt to Jamal and hurried over next to Severus. He, too, glanced around suspiciously.

"What're we looking at?" he asked at last, shading his eyes from a non-existent glare.

Severus pointed a shaky hand in the direction of the counter. Instantly, Lucius bursted into shouts of merriment. He pulled Severus out from behind the shelf. 

"James! Lily! Oh! It's the Potters!" Lucius waved to the couple, with Severus trailing behind like a dark little rag doll.

"Hey guys!" Lucius said. Severus groaned and avoided their gaze.

James forced a smile. "Lucius ... "

"What a pleasant surprise," Lily said. Her mouth formed a gleeful smile, but her eyes sported a "you tell him, you die" glare.

The bundle Lily was holding in her arms then began to coo. Lucius moved in closer.

"Aww! It's a widdle baby! Wassis name?" Lucius tickled the baby's chin.

"Harry," James said proudly.

"I have a boy too!" exclaimed Lucius. "They'll be the best of friends, won't you?" Lucius put a finger on baby Harry's nose. He had Lily's eyes, James' hair, but cheekbones that reminded him of someone he couldn't put his finger on.

"Lucius, I wouldn't do that. He doesn't like to--"

Not heading Lily's warning, Lucius continued to tickle the baby in a fashion that was upsetting him. In a flash, Harry sunk his teeth into Lucius' index finger. Lucius screamed and backed away. The baby only had a few small teeth, but man, did they hurt like a bitch!

Lucius straightened up in his anger. The store grew dark and his face looked menacing in the eerie shadows.

"You!" he bellowed, pointing his uninjured finger at the child. "You, Harry Potter, will suffer an intolerable fate! YOU will live a life of unhappiness and calamity! You will be doomed, Harry Potter!"

There was a flash of lightning and the room ascended out of darkness. Lucius' eyes began to water and he fled to the dressing rooms, managing to grab a sweater on his way in.

Severus, who was hiding behind Lucius looked around nervously. All eyes were on the four of them, and this was making him fell very uncomfortable.

Lily was clutching the baby very close to her body and James had a protective arm around his wife. Their eyes were penetrating Severus.

Having no idea what to do, Severus Snape let his instinct take over. He flung himself at Lily's feet and began to bawl like he never had in his life.

"Lily!" he howled dramatically. "I love you, Lily Potter! I always have!" He grabbed onto her dress and looked at her with teary pleading eyes. "Why'd you deny me, Lily? I know you love me!"

Lily and James exchanged worried glances.

"I think it's time we go ..."

"Yes, indeed ..."  
  


Lily jerked her dress out of Severus' grip and backed toward the glass doors.

"Don't GO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Severus cried and reached after them in vain. "Lily! LILY!"

At this time, the entire store, and several people on the street, were staring at him quizzically. He stood up resolutely and dusted off his palms.

"That oughta do it," he said, very forcedly. "Lucius, let's go."  
  


"I'm not coming!" was Lucius' muffled reply from inside the dressing room.

"Lucius," Severus said, through nervously gritted teeth, for the stares were attached to him like magnets. "I mean it."

"No," he pouted.

Severus marched into the dressing room and pulled out Lucius by his collar. Lucius jerked loose and Severus grabbed his arm. Lucius was still holding the sweater and waved it at the cashier as he passed.

"Do you have this in a small?" he asked, but was unable to stop, for Sev had a death grip on his forearm.

As the two passed through the glass doors, Jamal ripped the sweater out of Lucius' hand.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he said, glancing at the tearstains. Jamal then placed the sweater on the sale rack.

Outside, Severus was running swiftly across a busy street. He called to Lucius from the other side. 

"Get over here, you git!" he demanded, but Lucius drummed his fingers on his bottom lip.

"I-I gotta look both ways!" he stammered, hopping from foot to foot in his anxiety.

"Oh honestly!"

Severus ran across and dragged Lucius across the busy street. Lucius covered his eyes as if it would horde off any moving vehicles.

Back at the Death Eater Headquarters, Severus called for the group's attention from the podium. As usual, the group was ignoring him, or chucking objects at him, or shooting spitballs into his hair. He coughed and then yelled:

"SHUT UP YOU BAND OF IRRITABLE SKREWTS!"

Silence descended upon the room.

"What did he just call us?"

"It doesn't matter," Severus said, changing the subject before they started a riot. "But we have some--er--business to take care of." He cleared his throat and continued.

"Due to--uh--limited funds, I have devised a system in which all of us will be branded with a mark that will prove to our 'lord' that we are faithful members. Now if you would orderly form a line and receive the--er--'Dark Mark.'"

Lestrange and Avery pushed each other for the first spot in the line. Severus attempted to reason.

"Gentlemen--"

Lara came behind both of them and knocked them out with a candlestick. She shoved their unconscious bodies out of the way and held out her arm to Severus.

Severus fumbled under the podium.

"I don't have all day, Snape," she said, impatiently tapping her stilettoed foot. 

"Calm yourself, woman," he said, holding up his sharpie marker. Lara frowned, but would do anything to support her Dark Lord.

Snape hastily drew on her arm and called for the next person.

"What the hell?" Lara commented. "Being the so-called 'artist' of the group, Snape, I think even _you_ could have done better."

"An angry face?" said Stormer, examining his arm. 

"Hey Goyle! It looks like you!"

"Shuddup."

Lucius, however, was strongly opposed when it was his turn.

"Severus!" he whined. "I don't want ink on my skin! It's so soft! Feel it! It's like a baby's! Go on!"

"Lucius, I am not going to touch you," he said rolling his eyes and approaching Lucius with the marker.

"No!" he cried, clutching his arm closer. "Don't you dare, you horrid man!"

Crabbe and Goyle grabbed Lucius from behind and held him still enough for Severus to brand him with the angry face. Severus backed off when he was done, but the burly wizards held on.

"Wanna wrassle?" Crabbe challenged Lucius.

"Bet I could make ya squeal like a piggie!" Goyle added, finishing with a horrible noise.

"Eek!" 

Lucius wormed free and sat on the couch. He stayed there and sulked for the rest of the evening.


	10. Voldemort's Return

Chapter Ten - Voldemort's Return

Chapter Ten - Voldemort's Return

"Duck."

"How could you see a duck, Crabbe?"

"_I_ say it's a gorilla with a trombone."

"No one cares what _you_ think, Avery."

Severus swished his brush along the easel and grinned.

"You're all wrong," he stated.

Lucius creeped up behind his fellow Death Eater and gazed at the creation.

"That's horrible Sevey!" he shouted, startled and apalled. "Painting a picture of James Potter burning in a pit of fire! I expected more of you, Mr. Artist pants!"

Crabbe, Nott, Avery, and Forrest Lestrange all let out an "oh-I see-it-now" gust of breath. Severus grinned, very absorbed in his painting and seeming slightly crazed. 

And then, very unexpectedly, a stream of acrillic paint splashed across Severus' canvas. Severus spun around to face the culprit. Seeing no one at his eye-level, he directed his gaze to the floor. And there, very peacefully, sat Lucius' toddler son, Draco.

Severus eyes fired up. 

"Why you little vermin! I out to shove this bru--" Severus caught sight of Lucius, who was staring right back at him with a blank expression. Severus crinkled his nose.

"Lucius, my friend," he said through gritted teeth. "Could you kindly remove your son from our headquarters?"

Lucius beamed.

"Don't be silly, Severus. Draco meant no harm! He was just unleashing his creative energy, weren't you, Drakeykins?"

Draco nodded, his silvery hair flopping delicately on his mischevious little head. Lucius put one hand on his hip and flourished the other in a wide sweeping movement.

"Our children are the future! You better be taking notes, Mr. Lestrange."

"My ass," Forrest grunted, now nose-deep in a _Highlights_ magazine.

Lucius stood there proudly. There was a moment's silence, and then it happened.

Out of the blue, little Draco jumped onto the paint tube with all his might, directing the colored liquid straight at his unsuspecting father.

It seemed like it happened in slow motion, the paint flying through the air, headed straight for Lucius. He noticed it a moment too late. He was paralyzed in fear; the only movement on his body was the widening of his eyes. He wailed as he was splattered, his light-colored khakis dyed to a rich purple. His sweater vest and collared shirt were no longer light tan, but ironically enough, still matched his equally dark pants.

Lucius stammered for words, but was at a loss. His arms jittered frantically and he wiped the paint from his eyes.

With one fluid motion, he snatched up his son and ran straight out of the room.

The second he left, the room erupted in laughter. Forrest, however, was less than pleased.

"Where the _hell_ is the candlestick?!" he bellowed. He chucked his magazine across the room.

"You've always been less than adequate at 'Hidden Pictures'," Lara said spitefully. She then added under her breath. "That among other things ..."

Forrest crossed his arms and glared at her out of the corner of his eye.

"It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you. A goddamn conspiracy! Screw the publishers!"

"Language, Lestrange," a cold voice said, centering from somewhere in the room. 

Severus and the five on the couch whipped around. And there, standing before them, stood a heavily hooded Lord Voldemort.

"Master!" they shouted, bowing to him and kissing the hem of his robes. The others in the room pushed through to do the same. 

Severus cowered behind his easel. God only knows where that snake of a wizard had been, and after nearly abandoning them, Severus was in no hurry to run right back to him so fast.

"Snape, dear acquaintance," Voldemort hissed, as if he could read Severus' mind. "Come and say hello to your _master_."

"Ahhhhh."

Narcissa curled up in the sea of bubbles that was her elegant bathroom. The water was sweet and warm; she could stay there forever.

She took a sip from her margarita. It had been ages since she had been able to have a little time to herself. And, as far as she was concerned, she was going to have a damned good time doing so.

She reached over the side of the bathtub, the water dripping off her arm and glittering in the gentle light of the scented candles. A house elf was standing next to the tub, a tray of bon-bons sitting on top of his head. His large eyes blinked nervously as Mrs. Malfoy lifted off one of the tasty treats.

But before she could enjoy herself any further, the door of the bathroom flew open, and Lucius stumbled in, drenched in purple from head to toe. He was so upset, he couldn't form words, but he tried to communicate to his wife by pointing to his outfit and the to his son, who was standing in the doorway, picking off the paint.

Narcissa looked up at Lucius from under her heavy eyelids. She blew a piece of stray hair out of her face. She sighed and set down her drink.

"Give me five minutes."

"I-er, call this meeting to order ...?"

Peter Pettigrew shuffled his papers and attempted to get the chattering crowd's attention. He was never a good public speaker.

"Anyone?" he tapped the magical microphone, and nothing happened. A crumpled paper hit him square on the face.

"Go home to mummy, Petty-boy!" Avery shouted. He and Lestrange laughed and high-fived. They then started to shove each other, and, moments later, weren't speaking. The rest of the solemn Death Eaters looked upon them in disgust and they quickly straightened to attention.

"Riiight." Pettigrew now had the crowd's tentative gaze. He then continued fluidly.

"Now, without further ado, I present to you, the supreme leader, the crème de la crème, the god among men, the whole kit 'n caboodle, the ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom of evil-doings, LOOORD VOLDEMORT!"

There was a huge applause and the group of obedient sycophants rose as one.

Severus, who couldn't get the song "Penny Lane" out of his head, rose a little later than the rest and touched his hands together emotionlessly. Pettigrew tsked and took note of this in his "Top-Secret Book of Top-Secret Death Eater Plans and Such." (Which was really nothing more than a discarded Barbie coloring book he found in the closet.)

Lord Voldemort whisked to the podium. Several members of the assembly gasped in spite of themselves, for the Voldemort who returned was not like the Voldemort who had left.

He was pale, pasty even. His skin, textured and reptilian was stretched tightly across his hairless head. His bony and sickly fingers slid across his papers, the nails long and vampire-like. He drew air in through his nose--no, it wasn't much of a nose anymore, but rather two slits cut meticulously in the middle of his face. But his eyes; his eyes were the most frightening of all. Red. A hideous, threatening, gruesome, scarlet red.

But he was pleased, very pleased, with what he had found. The group--_his_ group--had come along quite nicely. They respected him, they adored him, they'd give their very lives to him, and that's why he had brought them a little present.

The artificial light illuminated his face as it twisted into a thin smile; an intimation of what was about to come.

Severus, Lucius, and a few others drew back slightly while the majority waited in anxiety on the edge of their seats.

"My children," he hissed, gripping the front of the podium with his claw-like fingers. "I have a splendid _suprise _for you all."

The Death Eaters exchanged glances. Lucius murmered "I like suprises," but bit his lip in fear of the thing that was the remainder of the strapping young Tom he used to know. Severus' eyebrows twisted. Among everyone else, the thought was unanimous.

_Babes?_

_ _

_Donuts?_

Voldemort's gaze lingered through the crowd. His followers were scared, he could tell. He loved their fear. He fed off it, lived off their timidness alone. His eyes quickly darted over to Peter, who cringed under his stare.

"Pettigrew," he said as a demand rather than a beckoning. Peter obviously knew what he had to do and twirled his wand between his pudgy fingers. The wand transformed into a microphone, a nice slim one, like on _The Price Is Right_. 

"As you wish, sir," he said, his voice abnormally confident. Peter moved toward the bathroom, which was shielded with a lavish velvet curtain. "Let's show our crowd what's behind door Number One!" Peter yanked on the tassled rope, and two people stumbled out from behind it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Frank and Aurelia Longbottom!" Peter's voice echoed through the warehouse, sounding more and more like a game show host as the minutes wore on.

The Longbottoms shifted uncomfortably. They had lost the color in their faces and their nerves were a mess. Peter was enjoying this, and he continued.

"Frank enjoys candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach, and heartfelt foreign films. The missus spends her free time knocking over burrito joints and caring for her only son." Peter paused for applause, but none came. "The Longbottoms!" He finished and looked at Voldemort for further instruction.

Voldemort looked at the crowd. They didn't say anything; they were expressionless, stunned. The only sound in the room was the whimpering of Aurelia. Voldemort was not pleased.

"Well?" he demanded impatiently. 

The Death Eaters stared.

Voldemort pounded his fist on the podium. "Aren't you going to do something?" he asked, his voice still ominous, but gentlemanly. "Hex them? Curse them? Anything?"

The Death Eaters blinked uniformly.

Voldemort sighed, the vexation evident in his tone.

"Oh for godssake, get up here Lestrange."

Forrest walked up, not really "in" to what he was doing. He scuttled over to Voldemort, his arms unmoving, at his sides. Forrest gazed at his master inquisitively. This irritated Voldemort.

"What?!" he flamed. "Am I not a good master?! I'm 'hip' and 'with it'! I've even been known to use phrases like 'where's the beef?'" He now turned to the crowd. "What do you all want from me?"

They all knew the answer, but no one said anything. But they didn't have to worry, for Forrest had accidentally set his own robes on fire in an attempt to attack the Longbottoms. Voldemort threw his hands over his face.

Peter flew from his position by the curtain and stomped on Forrest's robes, the flames now spreading across the stage. A few more Death Eaters ran onto stage to assist with the fire. Finally, one vanquished the inferno with a simple charm.

The attention of the assembly was even more scattered now. Voldemort tugged at his face.

"SILENCE!" he screeched, and everyone obeyed.

The lights in the room now glowed a horrid red, illuminating the dark wizard. His eyes were still ferocious.

"Now," he said slowly, "We're going to learn how to do this, and we are going to do this _right_."

The emphasis on that last syllable made the entire audience start slightly.

"That," Barty Crouch Jr. began, lighting up a cigarette, "Was amazing."

"Our dark lord is indeed a great one," added another of his misfit, teenage, ragbag friends. 

"Indeed," the rest murmured.

The parking lot was dark and damp after the recent rain. No one was certain of the time, for the meeting ran far longer than expected. The events of the evening eventually led to the odd exploits of the Longbottoms. Voldemort had began with casting the Imperius Curse on the two, and the rest took over from there. They made the couple do some of the strangest things. Cluck like chickens, advertise on a make-believe home shopping channel, shave Antonin Dolohov's head, and many other wacky things.

"I dunno about you guys," Forrest said to Rosier and Wilkes. "But those kids really creep me out."

The three men all glanced over at the smoking kids.

"Ungh," Rosier replied, getting goosebumps on his arms. "Especially that little goth chick."

Barty Crouch and his crew were now staring at Forrest and his crew.

They all shivered simultaneously.

Several feet away, Severus was leaning against a brown station wagon, trying to avoid conversation with Lucius, but dying to speak his mind nonetheless. His black eyes darted, the moonlight illuminating his pale skin. 

"What do you think about all this?" he said sharply.

"What d'ya mean, Sevey?" Lucius replied, very transfixed with picking the lint off the cuff of his Death Eater uniform.

"This whole ... " He paused briefly "business. It's a scam. I've known it from the start. I hate to say this, but I actually miss it when Riddle was a moronic druggie, rather then an arrogant, power-crazy, do--"

But Severus didn't have time to finish his insulting remark, for it was at that time that a rather annoying and familiar voice pierced the midnight air.

"Severus! Severus!"

A silhouette of a man flailing his arms was all Severus saw before he quickly averted his eyes to the pavement. He knew who it was and he didn't feel like speaking to 

"Igor Karkaroff," he murmured despite his dislike. His eyes searched for Lucius. "How ... _charming_ it is to see you."

His sarcasm was blatant and obvious, but not nearly as much as the outfit that Igor was wearing. He wore a loud, flashy ruffled shirt with a V-cut. It seemed phosphorescent in its multi-colored grotesqueness. He had tight black spandex pants on that were trimmed with a red lace-like gause material. His shoes were polished, but slightly scuffed, and he was sweaty and slightly red in the face.

"Why weren't you at the meeting?" Severus added after his near-blinding look at Igor.

"I have other duties, you know." He then twisted his hands, arms and feet into a tight, gymnast-like position."Flamenco Dance Champion, three years running!" 

Severus found it remarkable that anyone could say this with pride; it was like admitting to going to a Rod Stewart concert.

"Fabulous," he shot as he turned away, his dark robes billowing in the wind-less night.

Not only did he hate the structure of this whole Death Eater government, he despised the people as well. He knew exactly what he had to do and exactly where he had to go to get it accomplished.


	11. New Beginnings

Chapter Eleven - New Beginnings

A tabby cat moved down the hall at a slow pace. Her paws touched the carpet with hardly a sound, but her motives were hardly what you would call inconspicuous. And then she saw him. Her prey. Her desire. An object, _the _object, of her idolatry. But he was an object and nothing more to her.

He was knocking softly on the door, his eyes focused on the ground, but his ears perked for the slightest sound. He didn't sense her. But how her eyes were locked on him! She hesitated and listened intently.

"Professor?" he said gently, the single word tugging at her heartstrings. She longed to hear more and waited.

A door opened in reply to his inquiry, and the Headmaster stepped out. He was not as cheerful as usual, his eyebrows twisted up on his forehead. His glassses caught the light of the torches. His lips made as little movement as possible.

"You wanted to speak with me, Severus?"

Severus nodded and the cat picked up a paw in curiosity.

The Headmaster led way into his temporary office (for his other was being rennovated,) and Severus Snape followed. But the door was not shut, and she traveled fast in fear of missing important information.

Before she could stick her whiskers into the doorway, a small pouch of catnip flew into the hallway. Her feline instincs took over her and she leapt after the pouch.

"I'm so nervous, Narcissa!" 

Mrs. Malfoy rolled her eyes. She hiked up the toddler that was slung on her back in an odd strapping device and threw her cigarette to the ground.

To any non-magical human being walking by, it would appear that the three were standing on the sidewalk outside of a Ross department store, and every muggle knows to stay away from those god-forsaken places.. But to the three magical people standing on the sidewalk of this busy street, they saw before them one of the most prestigious buildings of magical times.

"What if the Ministry doesn't like me?!" he squealed in response to her attitude toward his upcoming job interview. "I'm frightened Narcissa! Hold me!"

But she was not the one doing the holding, for Lucius had attached himself like a virus to her legs. She knew there was no hope of breaking free, so she simply pat him on the head in a very uncompassionate manner. 

They were a very strange site to see. The woman was wearing sweats and a black spandex top under a loose pink tanktop. The man was wearing his finest, looking (but not feeling) prepared to be judged by the harshest of the harsh. The boy was wearing English attire appropriate for a young boy. A hat with black ribbon, knee high socks, gray breeches, suspenders, and shiny shoes. He was not entertained at this point in time, and he felt the need to place his saliva-contaminated lollypops in his mother's hair.

Narcissa soon became fed up with this action, and noticed that people were staring. Not that she cared, or anything. 

"Don't be an idiot, Lucius," she said, yanking his head to face hers. "Just get yer ass in there and hope for the best."

"You think I'll do okay?" he said, sniffling a little. 

"I neva said anythin' like that Lucius. Just get yer business taken care of and leave me to the monster."

The baby cooed in response to Narcissa's sharp remark.

Lucius took hold of his briefcase and kissed his wife and child goodbye (much to their disgust), and marched proudly into the Ministry of Magic building.

The first room he encountered was empty. No furniture. No lights. No plants. But the walls seemed to give of an eerie glow, and he could hear a distant humming coming from somewhere in the walls. Lucius turned behind him to walk out in fear, but the door he had entered through was no longer there.

Lucius' heart jumped and he started to panic. But, lo and behold, at the opposite end of the room was a metal entranceway. Lucius sighed with relief and approached it.

When he came up to it, there were no knobs, buttons, handles, knockers, bells, ringers or anything of the sort. He pondered this for a moment, but only for a moment. For in a short amount of time, the doors opened to reveal another room.

This room was a large percent smaller. As soon as he entered, the doors shut silently behind him. Near the door was a panel of buttons. Thousands of them. Tens of thousands. It seemed every time he focused on them they multiplied. He tried to examine the buttons closely, to choose which one to press, but he hadn't the time. On of the knobs lit up and soon he was traveling upward.

_A room that travels without my consent,_ he thought. _How very strange._

The ride was long and he waited, staring at the two metal doors. When the device came to a stop, he waited with patience. He rocked back and forth on his toes, waiting for something to happen. 

A whistle came from behind him and he whipped around quickly. 

"This way, bub," a man said.

Lucius felt foolish, for the contraption had opened from the opposite side than last time. If this was a test, he was already screwed over.

Lucius gripped the briefcase with both hands and stepped into the room in front of him. 

It appeared to be some sort of waiting room. It was crowded. Wizards hovering. Wizards playing chess. Wizards sleeping. He was slightly dazzled, and he took a seat next to the only person sitting down.

"Hi!" a man squeaked the second Lucius' bum touched the seat.

"Hello," Lucius replied, his voice actually seeming deep compared to this fellow.

The man was very excited. "My name is Walden Macnair. Are you applying for a job too?" 

Lucius reached for Walden's manicured hand and shook it.

"Lucius Malfoy, pleased to meet you." He drummed on his briefcase. "I'm here for whatever job is open."

"Really? I'm applying for Ministry Fashion and Make-up. I requested it specifically. From the Minister himself." Walden reached for a laced hanky and dabbed his gleaming eyes. "I really hope I get the job."

Lucius nodded and, for the first time in his life, conjured up a negative and selfish thought. Why hadn't he thought of Fashion and Make-up? He seemed like a beggar picking from whatever was left from the pile. Lucius Malfoy always got the best. It was time he made friends in high places. He was sure it would come in handy later.

The door at the far end of the room opened and a voice was heard, the owner unseen.

"Macnair, Walden!"

Walden jumped up and straightened out his leather pants. He picked up his designer briefcase and checked his face in his compact. He made his way briskly, yet fashionably, to the door.

Lucius sat in the unfamiliar room full of unfamiliar people with unfamiliar faces. He watched the unfamiliar clock tick to the name "Malfoy, Lucius" which was located where the number three should be. He waited. 

"Malfoy, Lucius!"

The call finally came after what seemed an eternity and a half, and Lucius jumped up the second he heard the first syllable. He walked through the door and shut it behind him.

This was the final room he would have to travel to, this he knew. But unfortunately, it was the strangest. It was set up like an ancient courtroom. The members of the committee towered high above him, a man in a wig highest of all. However, it was not him they were staring at, but still at Walden.

"Mr. Macnair," the highest man was saying. "We don't feel the position you requested is a very ... needed position at the moment. In fact it seems rather frivolous. However you are lucky enough to get the last space available. The Ministry and I feel this position is the most fitting for a man of your ... stature."

Walden swelled with anticipation.

"You will be our new Executioner."

Walden looked like _he_ was about to be executed.

"Executioner?" Walden looked pale. His eyes were emotionless as he staggered for words. Two burly men led him out the door, moving coldly passed Lucius.

Lucius waited for a moment, hesitating. Had Walden really got the last position? What was going to happen to him?

But he didn't need to wonder any longer, for at that moment, a white-haired balding man stormed out from a door across from where Lucius was planted. He moved to the well in front of what seemed like a judge and jury.

The man looked furious.

"I've had it up to here with your shenanigans, Sir!" he bellowed. He levitated to face the man in the wig in the. They were nose to nose.

"I'm walking!" he continued, his anger bubbling over. He tossed several papers from his briefcase around the room. The members at the high table flinched slightly. "You hear me? I quit! _QUIIIIIIT_!!!"

"The Minister must make decisions that--"

But the balding man cut off the one in the wig.

"Minister, shminister! I don't care _who_ you are! I'm free! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He danced around in mid-air like a child, catching a few papers, that were falling from the first stage of his tantrum, in his mouth. He snarled, papers shreds forming at the corners of his mouth, making him look rabid. He skipped his way down an imaginary escalator to the floor and pranced out of the room. 

Lucius hid for a moment in the shade of a nearby potted plant. He wondered what kind of lunatics the ministry hired. Were these civilized people? They seemed crazed. He nibbled on his pinkie, in deep thought. Lunatics... He shouldn't have a single problem in getting this job!

"Pity," the Minister of Magic said. "What _are_ we going to do with that position? Jether seemed so loyal to his job."

"Jasper, sir," someone corrected.

"Yes, yes. Moving along ... ah, yes, here we go, The Polls!"

"The Polls!"

"Yes! Yes! The Polls!"

The assembly erupted in chatter about "The Polls." Lucius wanted to be a part of this celebration so terribly. He felt it in his soul, in the very ... depths of his shallowness.

The Minister cleared his throat and straightened a stack of papers.

"We have found recently that our affiliates here in the Ministry prefer toffee flavored Bertie Bott's to peppermint 3 to 1."

There was a murmur of discussion and Lucius pressed himself against the plant, watching eagerly. The Minister went on.

"We have also found that there is an extreme lack of disciplinary force here at the Ministry. No one feels inferior, and no one ever condescends anyone else. The people are infuriated at this!"

"And it's about time!" 

"Here, here!"

In a sudden and uncharacteristic stroke of brilliance, Lucius Malfoy knew exactly what he had to do. It was time to use The Big Boy Voice. 

Severus stepped out of the office followed by Dumbledore. The two bore very solemn expressions.

"You understand what this means, Severus?"

"Yes."

"And you realize it will be very trying on your character?"

"Indeed, sir."

"Then may you succeed in your mission. We're counting on you. I have complete faith in you-- Good Lord, Minerva!"

Minerva was curled in a tight position. She started quickly and looked at the two who interrupted her cat nap. She smiled toothily and darted down the hall.

"God save that woman," Albus Dumbledore remarked as the two stared after the very frantic professor.


	12. Peter's Plan

Chapter 12 : Peter's Plan

The air was heavy with the scent of cookies in the oven. A slight breeze made the golden trees shiver. Lily Potter admired the view snugly from behind the window. An immense amount of a quilted blanket she had been sewing lied on top of her stomach that was still mildly swollen from the burden of birth. Her husband was in the hallway hammering a nail to the wall, a family portrait of himself, Lily, and a bloated, big-eyed newborn.

Lily, who had in truth been waiting anxiously, could discern the distinct knocking from the unskilled pounding James was performing in the other room. The rap tap tapping took her back to her schooldays ... o! the midnights when they hungered for her!

James also had a tinge of nervousness that was evident in his manner of hanging the portrait. At the sound of his wife's voice it came crashing to the floor.

She poised herself like a reclining Madonna, desiring to appeal to their visitor the same way she had not all that long ago. The door opened a tiny crack, the flood of autumn light falling upon her.

"Peter!" James said almost hoarsely. "We've been waiting."

"I-I know," Peter apologized. "Business and such-such ... things."

"About that thing we needed to talk about, I was thinking--well, in a whirlwind of crazy things I was tossing around last night after Sirius called us I just figured, I dunno, I just--"

"James!" Lily shouted, by now feeling wronged for the lack of attention that was being paid to her. "I think the cookies are ready." She batted her lashed and made a slight head gesture toward the kitchen. Peter's ears pricked up at the mention of baked goods.

"Oh! Right," James said and walked toward the oven and absentmindedly patted his wife's shoulder.

On his way he was sidetracked just as easily from his destination as he had been from the point he was trying to bring up with Peter.

James' spotted the cracked picture frame lying desolate and forgotten on the hallway floor. He picked up the frame and headed to the garbage to empty the shards. Thwacking the frame against the can shook loose all the glass but one piece that resided stubbornly in one corner. Obeying his thorough nature, James pried at the piece, but in removing it he sliced his index finger wide open.

"Oh, gosh darnnit!"

He pivoted on his way to bandage the finger that was bleeding profusely when he collided with his wife. Lily rubbed her forehead and momentarily spotted James' injury.

"You should get Peter to help you with that," she said and then added after a second "He has amazing hands."

"W-What??"

"No joke. I pricked my finger while finishing Harry's blankey. He held my hand and took the pain right away like that!" she snapped her healed finger to emphasize her point. "Now, I'm going to put this in the baby's room and then we can all sit down and have our little talk."

James headed back into the living room, completely absorbed in his wound. Peter rose obediently when James beckoned him over. 

"Oooh, that's a big mama," Peter said, to which James responded with a raised eyebrow. "Uh, I can take care of it."

James Potter held out his hand, palm up, the blood dripping steadily onto the polished wood floor. Peter Pettigrew's pudgy fingers sandwiched the wound far more gently than what was expected of his clumsy character. Peter's finger then traced delicately around the perimeter of the cut, his left hand circling beneath his patient's hand. Soon there was no more trickling blood.

"Not even a scar," James marveled, raising his hand to the light. "Where'd you learn that, Petes?"

But Peter didn't respond. And somehow he looked slightly different ...

Peter's head swam. His body didn't feel like his own. The duty he had just performed gave him a satisfied aura of importance. It wasn't often he felt important. 

He examined his own hands in the musty room. They were silver in the late night, but his palms might as well have been painted red.

Upon leaving the Potter's home Peter found himself at the Death Eater's HQ, more exclusively, in his master's private chamber. 

In front of him was an entire wall of jars. Shelf upon shelf, the entire area was flooded in gleaming glass containers. In the jars, each one ornately different from the other, resided frogs. They were not the average mold-colored toads. Each looked like they had been captured and experimented on by fans of the Grateful Dead. Their slimy, brilliant flesh reflected the moonlight like inviting jewels. 

It was by sheer luck that Lord Voldemort wasn't in the vicinity at the time. In his slightly crazed state, Peter told himself he didn't give a flying expletive if his master was in the bed to his right at that very moment.

He picked up the ax on his left. The power of the simple tool filled Peter's body with a maniacal and destructive nature. He raised his club like a savage and brought it down with all the brute force in his squat figure. 

Splinters, glass, and amphibian entrails flew through the air as Peter hacked and labored tirelessly. His sweat and determined glare made him out to be a crazed Greek god of iron works.

Abruptly, he heaved the ax and it flew dangerously into one corner of the room. Immediately it combusted, the flames consumed only the ax itself.

While his discarded destruction aid crackled in the corner, Peter gnashed at his own hand, biting off the tip of his middle finger. The blood he had absorbed from the Potter's wounds flowed exclusively over the useless wood and mountain ranges of treacherous shards. It mingled with the toads that kicked their final moments of life through cold-blooded legs. Peter held up his hand to cease the blood flow while he maneuvered through the battlefield to his master's bedside table.

In a glittering golden jar all by its lonesome hopped a purple and orange toad. With curiosity that is deeply disturbing when painted on the countenance of a madman, Peter picked up the jar. He held it between his blood-caked hands for a moment, observing the creature he knew gave Voldie all those bizarre and harebrained ideas. Inside this glass was the source of Voldemort's strength and power.

Without a wince, Peter crushed the jar and amphibian between his hands. He laid its limp body on the down comforter and with the final drop of Potter left the spot of a forged signature upon its broken breast.

"Well, it's bedtime for me," Lucius said, his high pitch trailing off into a yawn.

"Good God, man! It's only eight o'clock!"

With disgust, Severus and Narcissa stared at the man at the end of the table. Through the haze of smoke and drunken stupor they watched as Lucius tied his infamous pink bathrobe that boasted the initials "L.M." on the left breast. 

"Early to bed, early to rise, Sevy," Lucius retorted with a cheerful nature that wasn't often found in the sleepy.

Severus let out a derisive gust of air that blew the smoke of his slim cigarette across the table. Narcissa inhaled it without conscious thought.

"I know," she said, examining her two treasured queens that were stuck in a mess of useless threes and a two. "He's always pullin' crap like this. Like on our honeymoon. Except, I was the first one to fall asleep there."

Severus and Narcissa erupted in cackles while Lucius placed his hands defiantly on his hips. He waited a few minutes for their sniggers to subside and when they did the disapproving look on his face was washed away and replaced with his usual perky expression.

"Now now, kids," he said, trying but not succeeding in sounding like a parental figure. "You two don't stay up too late, alright?"

"Yes, sir," Severus replied mockingly while Narcissa blew a raspberry at Lucius. 

When the last swish of pink robe disappeared up the staircase, Narcissa pulled another card out of the deck and took a gulp of one of the many liquids that littered the table.

"Imagine living with it," she said, shifting through her cards.

"Don't have to, I know all too well the ways of the dim-witted one."

"Honest to gawd, you can slip anything past that man."

Their eyes met.

"Give him a stuffed bunny to play with an he'll be distracted designing its home and sketching dress patterns for it." Severus threw down his cards and stood up with haste, never leaving Narcissa's gaze.

"Ya've got him down to a tee," she said, tossing aside her cards as well and knocking over a few glasses. She stood as well, and leaned across the table. They stared, nothing but the smoky air between them.

Then, very abruptly, they both erupted in mutterings of disgust and sat back down and continued the game as if nothing had happened until the early morning. 


	13. The Seventh Day

Chapter Thirteen - The Seventh Day

The city slept.

There was a comfortable hush that settled in the air outside. Families were deep in slumbering fantasies during the early hours preceding dawn. The world seemed nestled in a sanctified silence.

A roadster tore down the street, slicing the stillness with the whir of a roaring engine and infecting the air with the stench of rubber on road. With violent determination the car ripped along wealthy city streets until it arrived at a large mansion on a block all its own. Even in pulling up outside the home, the engine still screamed and the car was unable to secure a position like a young child with an attention disorder.

Narcissa Malfoy was laying cheek-down on the table. A small trickle of lady-like drool trailed off the edge signifying her unconscious unawareness. The abominable noise caused her to start. However, Severus, who was passed out under the table, mouth open wide, receiving Narcissa's dripping saliva, did not wake at the roaring noise. 

As Narcissa tried to gently wake the sleeping man by kicking him in the ribs, a badger crashed through the anteroom's stained-glass window. The badger ran upstairs, yelling voices were heard from outside, and Severus' head whirled as he tried to process it all. 

Moments later Lucius fled down the stairs, wrapping a light-blue argyle morning robe about him as the dogged badger followed him with malicious intent. The instant Lucius' loafer-lodged foot reached the staircase's end, the badger latched itself onto Mr. Malfoy's head and began tearing at the tender blond locks.

Lucius shrieked and ran about until another animal flew through the gaping hole in the window. Severus froze and Lucius' limbs ceased flailing as they stared at the writhing, glimmering serpent on the ground. They looked seriously at each other and instantaneously, accompanied by a growl from outside, their arms seared with pain. The Death Eaters still looked at each other, awestruck, while Narcissa chuckled contemptuously at Lucius' unkempt hair as the badger hopped dutifully out of the house. A furious roar sent Severus hurtling purposefully through the remnants of the window, and Lucius followed him a few steps, paused, then turned to Narcissa.

She sat among the shards of colorful glass. She already had a cigarette to her lips. She reeked of gin, vodka, and three other liquors Lucius could not identify, but to him she looked as beautiful as ever. 

"Narcissa," he said, deepening his voice and standing erect. "I don't know what's gonna happen to me, or what's to come out of this mess, but"-- Lucius swooped up Narcissa in a surge of strength that thoroughly surprised her --"no matter what, there are certain things worth dying for."

He stared deep into her eyes, wretched the burning cigarette from her lips, and pulled her forcefully to him as he pressed his lips against hers before she could protest.

He released his grip and jumped out the window. Narcissa fell to the floor, startled from the abrupt change of pressure. She stood up and heard the engine roar and speed away in a split second. She screwed up her eyebrows in anger and confusion.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS TH--?!"

The yelps of the Malfoy's house elf cut her off. She pulled the recently awoken Draco from the small fire started by the discarded cigarette. Draco reluctantly released the chained Dobby. The house elf hobbled away, nursing his badly burned ear. The child giggled and cooed in his mother's arms. 

Severus and Lucius sat in the bewitched roadster. Lucius had a death grip on Severus, who was gazing around the car's interior. 

The automobile, as most in the wizarding world, was bewitched to be much larger inside than in appeared from the outside. The dragon-leather upholstered seats supported the Dark Lord's most devoted followers: Stormer nervously twiddled his thumbs; the Lestranges eyed each other grudgingly; Crabbe and Goyle made crude hand gestures; Barty Crouch's gang held each others black-nailed hands in rapturous anticipation; and the assorted others were doing what they usually did--no one seemed hyped about the situation but the chanting teenagers. Severus eyed each face suspiciously and could only hypothesize what was on the other side of the tinted glass window separating the driver from the Death Eaters.

The roadster's occupants swayed as the car madly turned corners at top speeds. 

"Severus?" Lucius muttered, removing his thumb from his mouth. 

Severus' eyes narrowed but did not meet Lucius' face.

"What, Lucius?"

"What do you think of Paris?"

"What?!"

"Paris. What do you think of it?"

Severus threw off Lucius' hand and crossed his arms.

"Shut up and sit up," he commanded.

Lucius pulled himself off the floor and settled his bum into the expensive seat.

"I think we should go."

"Go where, you infantile dou--?"

"_Paris_, silly."

Severus was spared from further conversation when war cries erupted further down the car. Crabbe and Goyle were pelting each other with their blunt fists.

"That was 'Paper'. I WIN!!"

_Growl! Snarl._

"Yer a wanker! 'Rock' kin smash through 'paper'!"

They continued to pummel each other violently when the tinted window at the front lowered just enough for a wand to peep through and let out fiery sparks that hit Rosier smack in the chest. He fell heavily to the floor. Everyone grew silent.

Within a short amount of time, the car screeched to a halt and the window lowered ominously to reveal a snarling and vicious looking Voldemort.

There was a sharp intake of breath from everyone but Lucius, who waved giddily at the Dark Lord.

Voldemort's lip curled upward and he waved languidly. Lucius was satisfied and squirmed to find comfort in his seat.

Voldemort's red slits glared from face to face. When they reached Severus they seemed to linger a little and it took all of his strength to stare back. 

"Now," he hissed, the one syllable being colder and more threatening than anything else he had ever snarled at them. "You are all about to witness history in the making. I--"

"Everything you do is history in the making," Forrest gushed with a wink. Instead of looking pleased, Voldemort lowered his lids in an annoyed manner.

He continued. "_I_ am about to do this worthless organization justice. Watch the Dark triumph. Witness the hurricane that is the Dark Lord."

He looked around to see if anyone objected. No one moved but Rosier's twitching body.

"No one is to move unless I command so."

Everyone nodded. Some looked down at their forearms knowing exactly how Voldemort would summon them.

"You are about to observe a prophecy unfold itself."

With that he swished away. Pettigrew, who was residing in the passenger seat leaned a pudgy arm where the window came from.

There was about twenty minutes of silence.

"Anyone want to play Scrabble?" Lucius asked as he pulled a board from behind his back.

Everyone looked at each other and Wilkes let out a derisive snort of air.

"Come on now, I'll sort out the letters, and we can play in teams. You guys over there"--he gestured to Barty and his crew--"don't be shy! We can all play!"

Within minutes a competent game was underway.

Severus slithered away from Lucius and over to Pettigrew who was still separated and sitting up front. Severus poked his face through the space where the window was not.

"Pettigrew," he called.

"Hm?" Peter turned down the Elton John that he was moments ago singing along with.

"What did ... when you ... at the ... I mean, what was the thing, you know, that the, uhm, Potters said to you...?"

Peter let out an arrogant laugh. His seat in the front was obviously getting to him.

"Ha! You'll never guess."

Severus, the anxiety building up inside him spilled out his mouth. "What?!"

"The Missus and the Mister ... "

Peter lowered his head toward Sev and he leaned in too.

"What? What is it?"

"They want to start a clog business!"

Peter yelped and snorted with laughter and Severus failed to see what was so funny.

"What do you mean?"

"Clogs, Snape! Dancin' shoes! You know! Them Swedes! Ha! Clogs! And James had this whole plan about ordering from your home, like cata_clogs_! You know, instead of cata_logues_? And he wanted an annual clogging show to showcase the newest clogs! Ha! I wouldn't have even _gone_ if it wasn't crucial I-- well, you know. If I didn't have to."

Severus sensed something was awry, but he had only one question on his mind.

"Did," Severus swallowed. "Did Lily say anything?"

"Oh yeah, she made me cookies. She makes the best cookies."

"Yeah," uttered Severus morosely. "I know..."

Severus settled back into his seat and watched the game without interest until the passenger's door flew open. In peered Voldemort's anger-twisted face. His eyes were fiery and the vein in his forehead was throbbing madly.

"Pettigrew," he hissed, his tone venom. "Come!"

Peter hobbled out of the car, tripping as he went and dropping his wand against the curb. It sent out sparks that hit Voldemort square in the nose. He furiously counter-jinxed himself and grabbed Peter by the neck of his robes and dragged his whimpering body along.

Severus' lowered gaze traveled to Lucius' tray and he pointed out AVADA. He whispered in low tones that if it weren't for the Q and C, they'd have a very powerful curse and bank major points. Lucius winked and touched his wand to the unwanted consonants and changed them into a K and another A. Severus smiled in spite of himself.

Within minutes the Death Eaters were screeching and howling madly. The game reached a climax and everyone was on the edges of their seats, yelling wildly and cheering on their teammates and swearing out loud when another team raked in mass points. The car rocked, for Death Eaters were standing up and yelling, jumping up and down when critical moves were made. Lara kissed Forrest when he earned 140 points in one move. Even Crabbe and Goyle were getting points. Crabbe layed down the letters for a very obscure river-dwelling monster and received a pat on the back from Rosier, who had woken with help from Barty Crouch Jr. 

Despite the culminating excitement, Severus realized that he had no idea where they were. He poked his head up into the front section of the roadster. His mouth fell open followed by a surge of violent anger.

The car was parked right outside the Potters' home.

When he came out of shock he reached behind to shake Lucius' shoulder. He failed to catch Lucius' attention.

"Lucius!" he called. "Lucius!"

Lucius looked up but forgot what he looked up for. The entire car silenced and all the Death Eaters looked past Severus and stared out the window with eyes as round as dinner plates.

A thunderous BOOM preceded a green mushroom cloud that erupted from where the Potters' home should be standing. Crackling sounds and flashes of light emitted from the huge cloud. From the base of the explosion a small figure was running.

It was Peter and he was screeching something.

Lucius and several others were leaning out the now-rolled down windows in the back. They listened hard.

"What is he saying?"

Peter's pants and wheezes were louder than his command.

"DRIVE!"

Severus hopped the seat and settled into the drivers seat. He jammed the key in the ignition and stomped hard on the gas as the Death Eaters pulled themselves inside. They were off with a roar as Peter failed to clear a hedge.

"No! Not without me, you idiots!!"

But his cry was not heard for the rumbling engine of a motorcycle replaced the thundering roadster's engine.

Atop the bike was Sirius Black. He had his eyes closed, thumping with one hand to the beat of The Clash that was playing on his headphones. In the crook of his other arm he held a fruit basket that boasted blue ribbons and a sign reading: "IT'S A BOY!" Confetti shot out of the top of the basket sporadically.

The bike landed feet away from Peter and Sirius looked up at him and discarded his Walkman.

Sirius spoke quickly.

"Hey bro! Like the basket? Haven't seen the kid, yet dude."

Sirius shook his head, his hair flopping wildly. Upon doing this, he spotted the pile of rubble where James and Lily now were buried under. He stared for a moment in shock then slowly turned to Peter who had his wand ready.

"You," Sirius managed to spurt out. "Dude, you, did?--I ... DUDE!"

Peter was shaking convulsively and let out a terrible whiny, nasal screech.

Sirius covered his face, but Peter pointed his wand himself. A long silver stream of light came from its tip and Peter manipulated this beam to sever off his own fingers. The appendages squirmed to the ground. Sirius stuttered for words, but Peter hollered again and a small explosion went off around Peter, causing a cloud of smoke to enclose Voldemort's henchman. When the dust settled, all Sirius could see were Peter's limp, pudgy severed fingers.

Peter's explosion had caused more damage than his own apparent self-destruction. A dozen or so bodies littered the street. Sirius looked around but all he met were horrified, disgusted, accusing eyes.

"Hoooooo no," Sirius said, throwing up his hands. "This is not what it looks like, dudes--"

The sound of a siren wailed in the distance.

"This is SO not cool."

Patches of sunlight lit the white wrought iron table through the thick leaves from above. 

In the small French cafe, two figures sat. One had dark sunglasses and was swirling a small cup of espresso. The other man wore a pink beret and had a matching scarf tied about his neck. He had a pastry and cup of tea sitting directly in front of him on the table.

The pink-bereted man blinked his gray eyes.

"Severus?" he asked.

"Lucius? I told you not to say anything --" replied the dark-spectacled man, not bothering to look at his inquisitor.

"I know, I know, but--"

"Now, Lucius, I swear to you--" He spoke through gritted teeth.

"But the night we went to--"

"Don't say it--"

"--the Potters'--"

"Lucius! Close your trap I'm warning you--"

"--I left--"

"LUCIUS!"

"It's just that I left my--"

"GODDAMN IT LUCIUS! SHUT UP!!"

"Its just that I left my wallet at the Potters' house!"

The fair-haired man said his statement so quickly that the dark haired man had barely crashed his head onto the table in despair, spilling both drinks by the time he finished. The man still sitting up looked quizzically at the dark-haired man's greasy head.

"Sevy?"


	14. Shits and Giggles

Shits and Giggles

{The following scene has no specific time or place. It is just as the title suggests.}

"LAY YOUR HANDS ON MEEE!!!"

A shake of Lucius Malfoy's bum signaled the finish of his Bon Jovi karaoke number. Narcissa Malfoy, stinking of every kind of alcohol available at the Hog's Head hooted and hollered and waved her cocktail high above her head, splashing some of the drink on Severus Snape's already untidy robes. Eyes narrowed, he dabbed at his clothes with a dusty napkin. 

Narcissa's drunken catcalls were the only shouts of approval when Lucius sat. Without noticing the lack of appreciation, Lucius smothered his wife with a childlike hug of adoration.

"Oh! I just love my fans!"

Narcissa giggled drunkenly and did not speak out against Lucius' public display of affection, which was rather odd.

Lucius then slapped his dragon-leathered thigh and cocked his head toward Severus.

"I think it's time for somebody's musical number!" Lucius wiggled his eyebrows at him in a way that made Severus greatly uncomfortable.

"Um, not so much," Severus spat, turning away from Lucius' frightening stare. He lifted his shot glass to his lips and choked out more than he swallowed after Lucius slapped his hand hard on Sev's shoulder.

"What do you mean?! You have to go up there! The whole gang's gone up except you!"

It was true. Severus remembered far too vividly Tom Riddle's version of "Rapper's Delight" and with a cringe recalled Narcissa Malfoy's ironic rendition of "Like a Virgin." With a wink from Tom, who was dusting off the shotglasses behind the bar, and a toothy grin from Mrs. Malfoy his desire to not sing his heart out increased ten-fold. He let out a snort that signified his disapproval.

"C'mon, Sev!" hiccoughed Narcissa while not quite gently fisting Severus in the chin. "Git up thar en' knock 'em dead, kiddo!"

Severus massaged his chin until Narcissa grabbed him in an unexpected headlock. She hiccoughed and messed up his greasy hair while giggling in between.

"This guy!" she gushed. "This guy--hic--this is the guy!"

To make matters worse, all of the Hog's Head drinkers were staring him down, waiting hungrily for the next victim. Lucius was helping Narcissa back to her seat and wondering out loud.

"Hm, you think I should do 'Hungry Like the Wolf'?"

Severus stood up so abruptly he knocked over several drinks. He snatched the songbook away from Forrest (who was deliberating on whether or not to do "Fat Bottomed Girls") faster than it took Lucius to finish his delighted squeal. 

"Ooh Sevy!" Lucius uttered while Severus flipped through the pages at top speed, not paying any heed to Lucius. "I knew you'd change your mind! I just knew it!"

Severus tapped his wand on his desired song's title. As he moved towards the performance area, Lucius hollered for him to stop.

"Wait for me, Sev!"--Lucius transfigured a Tequila bottle into a tambourine--"I'll play backup!"

By the time Severus was inches away from the microphone, he was far too terrified to protest. He gulped hard and stood before the Hog's Headers petrified and silent.

_Jesus Christ!_ a contemptuous voice scorned inside his head. _What the hell were you thinking you pale fool! Even Duran Duran was better than subjecting yourself to this abhorred humiliation! O cruel fate! O relentless t--_

Severus' inner voice was silenced once the music started up. Forrest and Dolohov chuckled derisively and Narcissa Malfoy screeched.

Severus tried to block out the various disturbances and focused on the music, the lyrics ready on his tongue sputtered out shakily when his cue came up in the song. 

"Though I've tried before to tell her 

Of the feelings I have for her in my heart."

"YEAH BABY! TAKE IT OFF! WOOO WOOOO!"

While Narcissa continued to holler, Severus faked a smile that came off as a nervous grin regardless.

"Every time that I come near her 

I just lose my nerve

As I've done from the start."

A few more women were following Narcissa's lead, but not quite as boldly. Severus timidly stumbled into the chorus while Lucius tapped the tambourine lightly, a little huffy that he couldn't thwack it to his heart's content.

"Every little thing she does is magic,

Everything she do just turns me on.

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on..."

Severus last note didn't waver in the slightest and was perfectly on pitch. Lucius' eyebrow quirked up and a prideful expression swept across his face. He also couldn't help shaking his behind to the beat of his own tambourine. Severus' posture straightened significantly and there was a slight swell in his chest as he transitioned into the next verse.

"Do I have to the story 

Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?

It's a big enough umbrella

But it's always me that ends up getting wet!"

Severus felt as if the lyrics were his own heart's creation. He became visibly enwrapped in his performance and Lucius' wild jingling could not take the audience's attention away from the singer.

During the chorus, Tom, in his bartender's ensemble, climbed onto the bar and began spinning on top of his head and continued to break dance for the duration of the song. This act caused the excitement in the room to skyrocket to a point where even Minerva's inappropriate gestures and shouts could not be heard. Severus began the bridge, undaunted by the chaos and yet bettering his performance as he went.

"I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day,"

Severus then winked at a woman in the front row who swooned and fainted.

"And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way."

Lacy lingerie flew through the bar and gathered in a small pile in front of Severus.

"But my silent fears have gripped me

Long before I reach the phone

Long before my tongue has tripped me."

The crowd rose to their feet and began dancing. Macnair was spinning around Lara with one arm and dipping Minerva McGonagall with the other. Tom spun so fast that smoke began to creep up from the bar. Narcissa took turns using her mouth to holler and down cocktails. 

"Must I always be alone?"

Lucius banged the tambourine with his head back and body swaying as if he had achieved musical nirvana. Severus sang with unrivaled fervor.

"Every little thing she does is magic!

Everything she do just turns me on!

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on!!"

Severus and Lucius were a bit surprised when the raucous crowd formed a conga line. They climbed the platform and forced the two performers out the door and onto the streets of Hogsmeade. The conga line, all singing "Ee-Oh!" along with the head of the train, danced their way down the cobblestone road. Severus' melodic and lively voice could be heard above them all as the group headed into the sunset, their moving bodies silhouetted against the amber sky ...


End file.
